Moments. Our life is a series of moments.
— Now is Good (2012)
ONE
When Saebyeok arrived in Seoul, her first thought was: everything is so bright and clean.
That thought lasted exactly the forty minutes it took them to get to the apartment assigned to them. It was small and cramped, its yellow walls were water damaged and there was electricity only for a few hours in the morning and the afternoon. Saebyeok was only ten years old, but she knew they’d been cheated out of their money when they were promised prosperity on this side of the border.
A cold afternoon two weeks after they arrived, Cheol came down with a fever and her mother didn’t know where to take him: there was not enough money to keep them fed that week, of course there wasn’t money to take her brother to a doctor.
“Mom, why don’t we go back with Dad?” she asked, warming her hands with a cup of watery tea.
Her mother’s face changed, immense pain visible in the lines of her face, but she quickly hid those feelings behind a cold mask of detachment. It wouldn’t take long for Saebyeok to catch up on what it meant.
“Saebyeok, you know Father is working on something important right now. We must stay strong and hold the house for him.”
She scrunched her nose before saying, “this house smells weird. I want my old bed again.”
“Saebyeok, I’m warning you.”
Her mother said her name with the same tone she used to talk to her older brother before he passed away. Saebyeok felt bad for pushing, yet she still said, “you said we would have money and a house. We don’t even have food. I don’t want to eat ramen again.”
“Saebyeok!”
She pushed her cup away and stood up from the table, feeling her cheeks heat up. “I hate this place!”
Saebyeok ran out of the apartment, down the stairs, then up the street until she couldn’t hear her mother calling her name anymore. She stopped only when she realized she was in a strange alleyway she had never been in before. It dawned on her that she didn’t know anyone here, that this was not her village and everything was as foreign to her as she was to the kids in school. Tears came to her eyes, unbidden, and she found herself crying next to a huge trash bin.
She started when someone came running into the alley. A child, probably as old as she was, stood in front of her, holding a ragged doll.
“I need you to hide this,” she said.
Confused, Saebyeok asked, “why?”
“My dad wants to take it from me. He says I’m too old for dolls.” She stood straight as if daring Saebyeok to say something.
“How old are you?” Saebyeok narrowed her eyes at the girl. This was definitely the strangest kid she had met so far.
“I just turned eleven,” she replied, smiling wide. A small gap showed where one of her canine teeth should be. When she smiled, her whole face brightened and Saebyeok envied her happiness for a moment.
“Maybe you are too old to play with dolls,” noted Saebyeok.
The little girl frowned, making Saebyeok feel bad for ruining that pretty smile.
“And how old are you, Miss ‘You’re-Too-Old-For-Dolls’?”
“Ten.”
“So, you’re not too old for dolls. You can hide this for me.” She offered Saebyeok the doll, but she didn’t take it. “I’m Jiyeong, by the way. What’s your name?”
“Why do you want to know my name?”
“So I know what to call you, obviously.” There was a duh implied in her answer, as if Saebyeok was being obtuse on purpose.
It was Saebyeok’s turn to frown. “Why do you care?”
“You will be Yumi’s guardian. This is important information.”
She didn’t reply immediately, in fact, all she could do was look at this strange girl and wonder where she came from, where she would go and how Saebyeok could follow her. A man’s voice broke through her thoughts, “Jiyeong! Come on, let’s not play games!”
“Quickly, take Yumi and hide! I’ll come back soon,” she urged.
Saebyeok took the doll and hid behind the bin, making herself as small as possible as she hugged the doll to her chest. She heard small footsteps receding, then, when she dared look out of her hiding place, she was alone again.
Minutes went by and nothing happened, so Saebyeok ventured out of her hiding place and started walking in the general direction she had come from. The noise of the city made her nervous and every person felt suspicious to her. She wanted to go home, apologize to her mother and go to sleep to forget everything about the day, but she still had Jiyeong’s doll and she didn’t want to keep something that wasn’t hers.
A hand touched her shoulder and she jumped, her heart beating faster inside her chest. “There you are! I went to look for you but you left,” said Jiyeong.
Saebyeok almost cried. At least Jiyeong was a familiar face. Sort of.
“Why did you leave me?” She asked. No, demanded.
“I told you I would be back.” Jiyeong gave her a lopsided smile, but her eyes seemed to scan Saebyeok from head to toe. “I never break my promises.”
Saebyeok felt herself relaxing under her watchful eyes. “Please help me get home. I will take care of your doll if you want, but I need to get back home.”
Jiyeong’s smile didn’t waver. “Only if you tell me your name.”
The sound of the cars passing them by and the people surrounding them disappeared, leaving behind nothing but the beating of her heart.
“It’s Saebyeok. Kang Saebyeok.”
“Saebyeok.” She closed her eyes for a second, as if committing it to memory. “Pretty.”
Saebyeok didn’t know what to answer, so she said nothing. Her mind, however, was reeling. No one had called her pretty before. Cute? Yes. Pretty? Not that she remembered.
“Let’s find your way home, Saebyeok-a.”
TWO
“You know, your mom makes you food so you’ll eat it.”
“She makes enough for you too,” Jiyeong answered, pushing the small tupperware container towards Saebyeok. Her stomach growled at the sight of the stew. It had been almost a month since her mom had been able to afford some meat and fresh vegetables for a proper stew. She insisted she would find a job soon, that money would come by, that Saebyeok’s father would send something.
Saebyeok’s mother forgot sometimes that she wasn’t ten years old anymore and lies about her father didn’t make her feel better. In the meantime, Saebyeok humored her and ate her instant ramen in silence.
Whenever she saw Jiyeong, the girl brought with her some food to share, but Saebyeok felt embarrassed to be obviously poor in the eyes of everyone. Jiyeong didn’t care though, she brought snacks for Saebyeok to save for later and little treats for Cheol, like candy or chocolate that she always had on her.
They were supposed to be in school, but Jiyeong asked Saebyeok to skip classes with her and she had been following after Jiyeong since that day in the alley, so she did.
“Come on. It’ll get cold,” she insisted, nodding in the direction of the food.
Saebyeok picked up the chopsticks and took a bite, swallowing her pride and a mouthful of tofu. It was delicious, as it usually was. “Hmm, Jiyeong, I wish your mom adopted me.”
“You’d get bored of her stews in, like, half a day,” she replied.
She didn’t think she’d ever get bored of good food, but she’d miss her mom. It wasn’t her fault they were broke, they were here to find better opportunities and that would take time. It’d been four years already, but Saebyeok didn’t know how things worked in the South, maybe jobs worked like that.
As she ate, she glanced at Jiyeong and saw her staring at the distance. When Saebyeok waved a hand in front of the girl, she said “did you say something?”
Saebyeok shook her head. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m just tired.”
“Are you sure?” She usually didn’t push, but Jiyeong looked worried and that upset Saebyeok as well.
Out of the blue, Jiyeong asked, “did your mom ever act weird around your dad?”
Saebyeok thought about it. She never acted weird around him, but they acted weird together on the days leading up to their trip to China. Now she knew the secrecy had been a necessary evil of escaping, yet it wasn’t enough to save her father. “Not really,” she answered.
“Maybe it’s nothing,” Jiyeong brushed it off and put the food container she was holding to the side. “I’m bored. Let’s dance.”
“What?” she almost got whiplash turning to face her.
Jiyeong stood up and shook her arms, rolling her shoulders back. “Yeah, come on. We’re supposed to have fun when we skip class.”
“The last time you said that an old woman hit me with her bag for running in the store. And they called our moms.”
“Come on, Saebyeok-a! Don’t be such a downer.” Jiyeong pouted, but it was quickly replaced by a smile as a thought crossed her mind. “I dare you to dance, Saebyeok-a.”
Saebyeok raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“What? Are you too old to be seen dancing in the street?”
Personally, she thought she was, but she wasn’t about to let Jiyeong win this. She put her food to the side, stood next to Jiyeong and looked down at her with a smirk. “Do you think you’re done growing, Jiyeong-a?”
“Funny. Come on then. Dance.”
Saebyeok didn’t know what she was supposed to do, but she knew a challenge when she saw one, so she replied with a challenge of her own. She offered her hand, palm up. “Jiyeong-a, will you dance with me?”
The other girl stood still for a moment and Saebyeok enjoyed her victory with a smug smile. It was a short-lived victory though because Jiyeong took her hand immediately, then put her other hand on Saebyeok’s shoulder and said, “take it away, aein.”
It was Saebyeok’s turn to freeze. Jiyeong’s affectionate nicknames were the one thing that made her nervous, yet she enjoyed the proximity it implied. Once, on the rare occasions her mother had allowed her to go to Jiyeong’s home, they watched a movie where the main characters danced on a rooftop and Saebyeok confessed she had never danced with someone before.
“Me neither,” Jiyeong said. “I would like to go to a dance someday.”
“But how will you know what to do?”
Jiyeong stopped to think for a second, then her face lit up with an idea. “You will practice with me.”
“Why me?” Saebyeok felt her cheeks heat up, but couldn’t pinpoint why she was embarrassed.
“I don’t have any other friends who are so freakishly tall,” she taunted.
“Just say I’m your best friend. I won’t be weird about it.”
Jiyeong’s face changed, a serious expression taking over. “You are my best friend, Saebyeok-a.”
Her heart warmed, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. Instead of letting Jiyeong see her cry, she said let’s dance Jiyeong-a, offering her hand. They spun around for a few seconds then they tripped and dissolved in a fit of giggles, the dance forgotten.
Now, however, the atmosphere was different. Yes, it was playful, but to Saebyeok it felt like walking a fine line between what was correct and what wasn’t. That didn’t stop her from putting her other hand on Jiyeong’s waist and taking a step while looking down at her feet.
“Look up.” Saebyeok did so immediately, her eyes finding Jiyeong’s without missing a beat. “It’s rude to look at your feet when you’re dancing.”
Saebyeok took another step, Jiyeong followed her. “Who told you that?”
“I saw it in a movie,” she said, taking a step before Saebyeok could react, bringing them closer together. “Keep up, Saebyeok-a.”
She tried to follow along, always a step behind Jiyeong’s movements, always following even though she was supposed to be leading. In an attempt to gain some control back, she spun Jiyeong around, hoping to catch her off guard, but she reacted quickly, following the tempo Saebyeok set, coming back to rest her free hand on her shoulder at the end.
Time froze while they danced, every second longer than the last, and Saebyeok’s hand tingled where she touched Jiyeong, something she hadn’t felt before then. Heat rose to her cheeks and she looked down, feeling her thoughts visible on her face. When she dared to look at Jiyeong again, the other girl was smiling as they swayed to an unheard rhythm that permeated the air between them.
Saebyeok tripped then, stepping on Jiyeong’s foot and breaking the spell of the moment. “Ah, Saebyeok-a. We need to practice more often.”
She smiled, grateful that the other girl mocked Saebyeok’s clumsiness without knowing the reason behind it. Instead of fighting the idea of dancing again, all Saebyeok said was, “whenever you want, Jiyeong-a.”
THREE
Someone knocked on the door in quick succession, startling Saebyeok out of her sleep. She walked to the door slowly, careful not to wake up her family. When she opened up, Jiyeong stood there, a frantic look in her eyes, pale as a ghost.
“What happened to you?”
“Let me in,” Jiyeong demanded.
She moved back and watched the girl look around the house before walking directly to Saebyeok’s room. She followed her to the room, softly closing the door behind her.
“What’s wrong?” Saebyeok asked.
“My father is dead,” she said, seriously.
Saebyeok frowned. “What happened to him?”
“He stabbed my mother.” Saebyeok’s insides went cold. Did Jiyeong—? She wouldn’t hurt a fly, Saebyeok was certain.
“And?”
The silence that followed was telling. Saebyeok’s heart sank to her stomach as dread set in.
“Next thing I know, I’m standing next to his body as he bleeds to death.”
Bile threatened to rise to her throat, but she swallowed it down, determined to help Jiyeong out of this. “What do you need from me?”
Jiyeong’s beautiful lopsided smile almost got a smile out of Saebyeok too. Almost. “I need you to promise we’re still going to Jeju someday.”
For a moment, Saebyeok felt lost, then she remembered a night a few weeks before, right before their curfew, as they lounged on the stairs that led to Saebyeok’s apartment looking at the sky. It was partially cloudy and, every once in a while, the clouds would cover most of the sky, darkening their surroundings even further.
“If you had all the money in the world, where would you go?” Jiyeong asked.
Saebyeok turned to look at her, then back at the sky. It was a technique she was perfecting still: looking while not being seen. She thought she was good enough that Jiyeong had no idea Saebyeok was looking to begin with.
“I don’t know. Why?”
“You don’t have a wild dream that you want to fulfill?” Jiyeong pushed.
She didn’t have to think for long. “I’d like to have a house near the beach. Maybe have a pool too.”
Jiyeong snorted. “That wild? Don’t you want to visit anywhere you’ve seen on TV?”
Shyly, Saebyeok murmured, “Jeju Island.”
“Jeju Island?” She could hear Jiyeong’s smile. “Why Jeju?”
“I saw it on TV. It looked exotic,” she admitted. Saebyeok took a quick look at Jiyeong and saw her looking at her. The girl quickly diverted her eyes.
“You have to think big. We’re talking about all the money in the world.” Saebyeok could be wrong, but Jiyeong sounded… embarrassed? Why?
“Where would you go?” she asked.
“The Maldives,” replied the other girl without missing a beat. “I’d drink mojitos by the beach, sunbathing the day away.”
“You’ll be sunburnt to a crisp by two,” Saebyeok mocked.
“Ha ha,” she said, humorlessly. “Come on, Saebyeok-a. Shoot for the stars. Where would you go?”
Saebyeok took a second to think about it, then her mouth spoke without her permission. “Anywhere as long as you’re coming with me.”
Jiyeong’s eyes found her own and held her gaze for a moment that felt eternal. “We can have mojitos in Jeju, I think.”
Her thoughts were interrupted by Jiyeong’s impatient, “Saebyeok-a?”
“We are, yes,” Saebyeok said without missing a beat.
“Then I’ll be fine,” she replied.
For a moment, everything in the room went still as Saebyeok realized she’d moved closer to her friend without noticing. Jiyeong, for her part, seemed to notice it too. Something akin to electricity crackled between them, drawing them closer together. Jiyeong was so close that Saebyeok could feel the warmth of her body where they almost touched each other.
An ambulance siren coming closer startled them and they pulled away awkwardly, every nerve ending in Saebyeok’s body screaming at her to do something and grab Jiyeong’s hand, run away together, never to be heard of again.
“I should leave,” Jiyeong said.
“Where are you going?”
Jiyeong looked at her with the saddest eyes she’d ever seen, a look that would be burnt on the back of her eyelids for years to come. “Saebyeok-a, we both know how this ends.”
She knew, but the confirmation hurt anyway.
“I’ll visit you every week,” Saebyeok promised.
“I’d rather you finish school. One of us has to.”
Through the window, Saebyeok noticed a police car at the end of their street, right outside the building where Jiyeong lived. Its swirling red lights kept the tempo of her heart. “Don’t go yet,” she found herself asking.
Jiyeong took her hand and, not for the first time, her heart did a double take that Saebyeok tried her hardest to ignore.
“Don’t forget about Jeju, okay?” Her hand squeezed Saebyeok’s. “See you around, Saebyeok-a.”
Then she stood as tall as she could and dropped a soft kiss on Saebyeok’s cheek, letting go of her hand in the process. Saebyeok stood stunned for a second and it was enough for Jiyeong to slip out of the room.
Before she could react, she heard a man yell outside. “Stop there!”
By the time Saebyeok reacted and went after Jiyeong, the girl had been cuffed already and a cop was walking her to the police car. Later, she told herself that it was normal to feel her heart breaking for her best friend, that it was perfectly okay to feel her world had been shattered to pieces, that she cried because the world was unfair and bad things happened to good people all the time.
In reality, she knew that she was mourning all the could-have-beens that Jiyeong represented, all the versions of the story where one day there could be a Jiyeong and Saebyeok that would not be.
When she woke up the next day, there were a few moments where the previous night felt like nothing but a dream, then she noticed Jiyeong’s favorite leather bracelet on the night table and a wave of emotions threatened to wash her away.
She put on the bracelet and hugged her wrist to her chest. Someday.
FOUR
Cold autumn days used to be her favorite part of the year. Until the day she got home to find the landlord talking to her mother about the rent, telling her she had two weeks to vacate the apartment or the police would get involved.
That same night, she met Deoksu’s boss and agreed to help him find a man that owed him money and hung out at the racetrack almost everyday. Saebyeok already hung out there often enough, pickpocketing naive guys who thought their luck would go on forever.
Seojoon, Deoksu’s boss, immediately favored Saebyeok after she took that first guy to him, without asking any unnecessary questions, and she quickly received more and more jobs in the next couple of weeks that gave her enough money for her to pay their landlord and then some more.
It was easy, much easier than pickpocketing, so much so that Saebyeok’s brain came up with an ambitious idea one night, the solution to all of her problems.
When Seojoon called her the next day, Saebyeok had already prepared her strategy and examined every part of her plan carefully to avoid being caught. She didn’t account for something very basic: while she had earned Seojoon’s trust easily, she still didn’t know any of his passwords or anything about him that would make it easier to guess the four numbers that the safe in front of her needed to be opened.
She was still crouching in front of it when she heard Seojoon coming back to the office. She barely had time to slip a wad of cash that was in the first drawer inside her pocket and she was no longer alone in his office. Seojoon smiled at her as he usually did, as if he knew things Saebyeok wasn’t privy to.
“Are you okay, Saebyeok-a?” She hated when he took the liberty to call her that, but she wasn’t in a position where she could fight a powerful mafia boss, even if she wanted to punch him in the face whenever he said her name like that.
“I am. You mentioned a new job?”
The man laughed. “Ah, Saebyeok-a. I’m starting to think, you only want me for my money.”
Saebyeok smiled tightly. “I didn’t think we were allowed to be friends.”
“Oh, I could solve all of your problems if you wanted to, aein. I’ve told you that before.”
Swallowing a rude comeback, she said, “you know I want to keep things professional.”
“Of course, of course,” he reached into his pocket and gave her a picture. “He has a bad habit of spending my money at the racetrack as well. Should be easy for you.”
Saebyeok nodded and turned to leave.
“You’re not going to ask anything?” Seojoon asked.
“Have I ever needed to?”
Seojoon’s smile only grew wider. “I have great plans for you, Saebyeok-a.”
She left with the feeling that she walked into a trap. Later that week, as she convinced her mother to take a vacation in Busan and to take Cheol with her so she could run in the opposite direction, she realized how right that feeling had been.
FIVE
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a short girl approach the circle of people around her, enjoying how Deoksu kicked the shit out of her. For a moment, a jab about Jiyeong’s height came to Saebyeok’s mind in a flash. It was gone with the next kick to her ribs.
The kicking stopped when another player intervened, a middle aged man that looked pissed off at the masked men for not intervening. He shouted, but Saebyeok’s eyes went to the girl who was staring at her, mildly horrified.
Saebyeok still doesn’t know what came over her, but she stood up and went for Deoksu’s back, punching the man in the kidney. She was stopped from punching any further by the man who intervened. Player 456. Saebyeok would make sure he didn’t make it far after this.
She growled a curse at him and broke free from the arm grabbing her.
“I would’ve thought you’d stayed out of trouble, Saebyeok-a.”
That voice.
No. It was impossible. She was supposed to be far away, far enough to never be touched by any of this.
“What? You forgot about Jeju, aein?
Saebyeok turned in the direction of the voice and looked down. She didn’t think she was that much taller than Jiyeong back then, but she didn’t think Jiyeong could sound so lifeless either.
“Jiyeong?”
The same bright smile that made her feel butterflies once only brought her dread now. Her heart didn’t get the memo and beat faster anyway, ready to follow wherever Jiyeong went.
“Ah, Saebyeok-a,” she said, looking up at the ceiling then back at her. “You really wanted to reach the stars.”
It wasn’t fair that she brought that up here, but Saebyeok had found out life wasn’t fair at age ten, when she heard her mother crying herself to sleep, mourning the loss of her father alone because she wanted her children to live with the idea of their father a little longer.
“You’ve seen better times.” Jiyeong’s voice broke through her thoughts. The girl looked her up and down and Saebyeok felt self-conscious. She touched her lip and her finger came back bloody.
“Yeah, I guess.” She cleaned her mouth and looked around, people were no longer looking at her, grouping up to talk about what happened or what would come. “I’d say you too, but at least you’re out, right?”
Hurt slipped into her tone and she felt stupid. They never said they would find each other after. Secretly, maybe naively, Saebyeok felt there wasn’t an after: There was just Jiyeong and she would follow her anywhere she wanted to.
“Yeah, two days ago. I haven’t had much time to catch up with anyone, if you’re wondering.”
“Is there anyone to catch up with?”
It was bait and Jiyeong knew it, but she took it anyway.
“Just a few friends I made inside. You would love Jisoo. She used to love silence and staring at people with the coldest eyes imaginable.”
Saebyeok raised an eyebrow at her. “Is that supposed to be a jab? I didn’t recall you were such a snooze.”
Jiyeong’s smile grew wider, making her heart jump in her chest. “That’s more like it.”
A siren rang and startled them, as a voice came through the speakers and asked them to form two lines. Saebyeok walked to the line and felt someone follow her. When she reached her place, she turned around and saw Jiyeong.
“Look ahead. I’ll tell you everything later,” she said.
Saebyeok was tempted to say there could not be a later, but she thought it was too early to jinx them like that. She kept her eyes on the man in front of her and didn’t think about the hand that brushed hers from behind.
Once Saebyeok caught on to what the game was about, her eyes looked for Jiyeong everywhere, but Deoksu was in the way being a piece of shit by just existing in her line of sight. She thought she’d never have to work near the man again, yet here she was, trying to win while the bastard smiled smugly at her. After she pulled on his collar and pulled him to the ground, she saw Jiyeong a few meters ahead, standing still as a statue, her face serious.
She didn’t breathe until Jiyeong was safely beyond the finish line, barely noticing that she only had a few seconds to get there as well.
The moment she did, someone ran into her and wrapped her arms around her waist. Saebyeok only registered Jiyeong after the girl started to pull away. “Are you okay?” Saebyeok asked.
Jiyeong nodded. “Are you?”
Secretly, she hadn’t been okay since they took Jiyeong, but what she said as she wrapped her arms around Jiyeong’s shoulders was, “I’m better now.”
SIX
When Saebyeok called the number on the card, she was hoping that Jiyeong hadn’t called the same number. That way, she had someone to come home to once she survived the games, someone to tell her where to run away to once her mother and brother had been taken care of.
Seeing her stand behind a square during the first game after she went back was a bucket of ice cold water that chilled her to the bone. There was a big probability only one of them would leave this place alive and Saebyeok didn’t like her chances. That’s why the moment she finished her triangle and went back to the bunker room, her eyes looked for Jiyeong out of their own volition.
“Miss me, aein?” the girl asked from behind.
“Why are you here, Jiyeong?” Saebyeok asked, anger sipping into her tone without her permission.
“You’re here, aren’t you?” she said. “I have nothing to lose outside.”
Saebyeok’s pulse quickened. “Don’t say that.”
“Fine.” Jiyeong replied. “Then don’t ask me things you don’t want me to answer.”
They held each other’s eyes for a moment suspended in time. The faint sound of a shot from the other side of the door interrupted the moment by startling Jiyeong. “I need to find out what’s next,” Saebyeok whispered.
“How do you intend to do that?” the other girl asked, tilting her head to the side.
“I don’t know about you, but I really want to pee,” she said.
“Saebyeok-a.” There was a warning in Jiyenong’s voice, but she ignored it, walking towards one of the masked guards, then she asked to use the bathroom. Right behind her, she heard, “I need to go too.”
“One at a time,” said the man.
“It’s really urgent,” Jiyeong insisted.
“Fine. Follow me.”
As they walked through the colorful hallways and stairs, Saebyeok felt Jiyeong’s fingers brushing hers, a reminder that they were both inside. She took her hand away, pissed at Jiyeong. How dare she put herself in danger like that? How dare she make Saebyeok worry like that? How dare she be as beautiful as she remembered? Saebyeok thought her teenage crush would fade with time, not that it would rush to the surface the minute she saw the girl who used to be her best friend.
When they got to the bathroom, Jiyeong made a show out of going into one of the stalls quickly. As the door closed behind them, she came out of the stall and stood in front of Saebyeok, a challenge written all over her face.
“What’s your problem with me, Saebyeok?
Saebyeok, not Saebyeok-a. It wasn’t a big deal, she told herself. They weren’t friends anymore she supposed.
“Nothing. Will you let me get in there? I know where to go, but I don’t know how much time we have.”
“How do you know this? What did you do last night?” Jiyeong took a deep breath, as if she needed to calm herself before drilling Saebyeok any further. “Why are you even here, Saebyeok? They let us go! And you came back for what? You really wanted that house on the beach this bad?”
“You don’t have any idea what life has been for me, Jiyeong. So don’t you dare judge me for being here. You’re here as well after all.”
“Yeah, following your dumb ass because someone had to protect you from yourself.”
“And that’s you and your 160 centimeters?”
“Well, I don’t see anyone else lining up to do it,” Jiyeong hissed.
Saebyeok’s insides boiled, anger rising to the surface unbidden. Before she noticed what she was doing, she took out her knife and pushed Jiyeong against a stall, putting the blade against her throat. “I don’t need anyone to protect me.”
Jiyeong smiled, but it wasn’t her usual, beautiful smile. In fact, Saebyeok thought she’d never seen such a cold look on her. “That’s more like it, Saebyeok-a. If you wanna win, you can’t hesitate. Not even for me.”
Her resolve crumbled. She was one Saebyeok-a away from losing her mind. She put her knife back into her pocket but didn’t move away from Jiyeong’s space. With a newfound courage she didn’t know she possessed, her hand touched Jiyeong’s face, a caress as soft as a whisper. “Why are you really here, Jiyeong-a?”
“I needed to see you well. Make sure you get out of here.”
“We will. I promise.”
“Don’t make promises you’re gonna break, aein.”
Seconds passed without them making a move, the air thick between them. Jiyeong scanned her face, then stood on the tip of her toes and kissed her, barely a touch of her lips that made everything around them disappear. They were alone in a space where nothing could touch them but each other. When Jiyeong pulled away, Saebyeok did what she always did and followed her, chasing after her lips with a ferocity she had never felt with other girls.
It was the only game that mattered, how long she could keep her lips on Jiyeong’s before coming up for air. She quickly realized it was a moot point, because Jiyeong was as eager to get her lips on Saebyeok as she was.
Without saying a word about it, Jiyeong walked a couple of steps back, grabbing Saebyeok’s t-shirt and pulling her with her. Saebyeok followed her into the stall and closed the door behind them, letting Jiyeong push her against it, her hands immediately finding the hem of her t-shirt and sliding under.
“Tell me you’ve thought about this too, Saebyeok-a,” she mumbled against her neck, kissing a trail up to her ear and biting down lightly.
“Fuck, yes,” she breathed. “Yes, I thought about this. A million times before, a million times since I last saw you.”
She felt Jiyeong’s smile against her skin. “Then what are you waiting for?”
Saebyeok didn’t hold back then, a wave of heat washing over her as she kissed Jiyeong senseless. When Jiyeong’s hand found her nipple, fingers rolling it expertly in between them, Saebyeok wondered how many girls had been lucky enough to be under the spell of her hands, but didn’t have time to feel jealous when the girl in question was sucking a mark on her neck.
Jiyeong’s hands wandered down Saebyeok’s body, one of them slipping down the waist of her pants and Saebyeok gasped.
“Shhh, you gotta be quiet or they’ll come in and we’ll have to stop,” Jiyeong said. She nodded, standing with her legs further apart. “That’s better, Saebyeok-a.”
Jiyeong palmed her through her panties, a little rougher than Saebyeok was used to, but it felt so good that she had to bite her lip to stop herself from moaning. Saebyeok didn’t know what to do with her hands, but then Jiyeong’s mouth was on hers again and she didn’t have time to overthink the situation.
Saebyeok gasped when Jiyeong’s digit found her clit through her clothes, drawing slow circles that sent a jolt of electricity down her spine. There was no warning before she moved the thin, wet fabric to the side and touched her skin directly, two fingers running up and down her folds, coming to rest exactly where Saebyeok was most sensitive.
“Jiyeong,” she breathed, an exhale that was too loud in such an empty bathroom.
“Shh, don’t worry, baby. I got you,” then the girl went back to kissing the side of her neck, her tongue lapping at the spots where she sucked a mark before.
The hand on her cunt kept rubbing patterns on her clit, her pulse quickened and her breaths became uneven. Jiyeong wasn’t teasing her, she was making this a quick and dirty affair happening in a bar somewhere in Itaewon. Her lips moved against her neck, but Saebyeok’s brain couldn’t make out all the words. Pretty. Dumb. Beautiful. Mine. Mine. Mine. Each word punctuated on her cunt, a press of a digit here, a flick of the finger there. It built a rhythm inside of Saebyeok’s body, a sway of the atoms that made her up to the beat set by Jiyeong.
Heat pooled at the bottom of her stomach and she bit her lip to stop herself from moaning. Jiyeong raised her voice above a whisper, “I want to see you let go, aein.”
Jiyeong’s leg straddled her thigh and Saebyeok could feel the heat between her legs as if there were no clothes between them. She set a rhythm with her hips, rubbing her pussy on Saebyeok’s thigh at the same tempo she kept with her fingers, her hand moving faster when her hips picked up speed.
Saebyeok’s hand moved on instinct, the need to touch her, to taste her became the only thing in her mind. Upon finding Jiyeong’s waist, she slipped her hand under her clothes to touch her. The girl mumbled a curse against her neck. “Goddamn it, Saebyeok-a.”
Jiyeong’s reaction pleased Saebyeok, who kept going down until her hands brushed a handful of coarse hair only to continue moving down maddeningly slowly, drawing curses out of her pretty lips. Saebyeok’s fingers slid easily on her wet cunt, but she didn’t need to do much, since Jiyeong gasped and sped up her hips, chasing her pleasure on her hand, all the while her fingers had Saebyeok on the border of becoming a whimpering, mumbling mess.
She doesn’t know how much time passed, if any, but suddenly, Jiyeong’s hips moved erratically, a tremble ripping through her body, the girl’s whole body was shaking and she was biting Saebyeok’s hoodie to muffle the broken moan that left her body. Saebyeok slowly moved her hand out of her pants and waited until Jiyeong opened her eyes to look at Saebyeok, then she sucked her own fingers in her mouth, closing her eyes to savor Jiyeong.
“Jesus, fuck,” Jiyeong said.
Saebyeok opened her eyes and caught Jiyeong looking at her, her hand still on Saebyeok’s cunt. She was sure Jiyeong could feel her pulse quicken between her legs with that look. God, Saebyeok would‘ve given everything to keep that look on her for as long as it was possible.
“Come in my mouth,” Jiyeong asked. No, she demanded. Saebyeok’s legs turned to jelly at the idea of having Jiyeong’s mouth on her cunt. All she could do was nod, her throat closed around all the things she wanted to say, nervous that the dread growing inside of her would ruin the only moment they had for them.
Jiyeong turned them around and pushed her pants down, panties and all, then pulled Saebyeok down so she sat on the toilet itself. Once Saebyeok sat, Jiyeong lifted her legs and got her head in between, resting them over her shoulders and against the stall door.
“Don’t be loud,” Jiyeong warned.
Saebyeok raised her eyebrow at her. “Feeling confident, are we?”
“Oh, you shouldn’t have said that,” she answered, her eyes roaming over her body, hungrily.
The next thing Saebyeok became aware of was the tongue lapping at her cunt, moving in circles around her most sensitive spot. It was slow and deliberate, like a dance between two experienced partners who had been dancing for ages, movements so precise that you could not tell where one ended and the next one began. Jiyeong kept at it for a short while, as if she was savoring her dessert before rushing to finish it before someone tried to make her share. Saebyeok knew the moment Jiyeong decided it was time to make her pay for what she said: her tongue changed its rhythm, a quick succession of pulses that hit her clit relentlessly, bringing Saebyeok closer and closer to the edge of the universe.
A finger slipped inside her hole, followed by a thumb inside her ass, making her gasp. “I said ‘be quiet’.”
Saebyeok wanted to retort, but there was no time between Jiyeong’s words and the next attack of her tongue on her cunt. Saebyeok’s legs trembled and she bit her lips to hold back a cry, hard enough that she tasted her own blood. For a moment, time stopped as she fell down the edge of all known things, slipping out of her reality into one where she had Jiyeong all to herself for as long as Jiyeong would have her. It was an out of body experience if there ever was one and Jiyeong’s expert fingers kept it going long enough that Saebyeok briefly thought she was dying. Her tongue didn’t stop either, though it was slower to tap patterns on her cunt.
Jiyeong came up for air just as Saebyeok opened her eyes, unaware she had closed them to begin with. “You’re so fucking hot, Saebyeok-a. You taste good too.”
Saebyeok couldn’t find it in herself to be embarrassed, not when her legs were still on Jiyeong’s shoulders. She looked completely debauched: a lewd look on her eyes, the front of her t-shirt wet, her hair a tangled mess. Saebyeok found she liked it and secretly wished she’d be allowed to keep it. Of course, she didn’t let the thought linger or she would jinx it, instead focusing on getting her heart rate back to normal.
“Do you think he heard us?” Saebyeok asked.
“If he did, he was jacking it to us, because babe, we really put on a show.”
Saebyeok snorted and Jiyeong put on her most beautiful smile, the one that brightened her whole face. After a moment looking at each other, a knock on the main door broke them out of their spell.
“Are you ready or not?” the man asked.
“Just a second!” Jiyeong called. “It was real bad!”
A short laugh escaped out of Saebyeok’s lips, the kind of laugh that only Jiyeong seemed capable of getting out of her. Jiyeong dislodged Saebyeok’s legs from around her neck and left the space between them in a swift movement that seemed almost practiced. She pulled her pants up and fixed her clothes as best as possible while still in the cramped space of the stall. When they finally came out of it, the bright white light hurt Saebyeok’s eyes. It felt as if a whole eternity passed since she came into the bathroom with a different intention altogether.
Saebyeok didn’t gather any information about the next game, but she played a more dangerous game that threatened to tilt her world on its axis.
And she didn’t regret it at all.
SEVEN
“Team up with me,” Jiyeong said.
“Why should I?” Her heart was still recovering from the previous game and the moment where everything had seemed lost. Gone in a blink of an eye. Jiyeong a little too close to the edge of the platform for her liking.
“You’d rather hang onto those losers over there? Hmmm… embarrassing.”
“I have to win no matter what. Embarrassing or not.” I have to make sure you leave too, was what she wanted to say, but she kept her mouth shut for once.
“Then play with me. I’ll make sure you win.”
Saebyeok’s stomach tightened. “What will you do?”
Without missing a beat, Jiyeong answered, “whatever it takes.”
When they shook hands, Saebyeok held onto her hand for longer than was strictly necessary, trying to maintain a point of contact for as long as possible, unwilling to let go.
Music started playing, invading every single corner of the big white room. “What do you think the next game will be?” Jiyeong asked.
“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I hope it’s not all about strength or we’re fucked.”
A smile crept up Jiyeong’s face. “Oh, we’re fucked alright.”
They were taken to a big space that looked like a miniature neighborhood, even the facades of the houses seemed to be recreated with an insane level of detail. The place gave her a strange feeling that she couldn’t shake, all the warning bells rang in her head, telling her to leave now or else.
“Players,” came the voice over the PA, “please take one bag each from the staff member before you. There should be a set of ten marbles in each bag. Please check to confirm the number.” The voice paused to give them time to count. Then it continued with its usual robotic cadence. “In this game, using your set of ten marbles, you will play the game of your choice with your partner. The player who manages to take all ten marbles from their partner wins.”
Saebyeok’s world shifted on its axis, a wave of dizziness came over her, and her legs threatened to give from under her. Distractedly, she heard the voice repeat the instructions as a ball of dread set at the pit of her stomach.
She glanced at Jiyeong who was already looking at her. They locked eyes for the briefest of moments, then Saebyeok followed the masked man that nodded at her.
Jiyeong followed just a few steps behind her and Saebyeok wished it was her the one following the other girl. Whatever it took to drink her in before it was all over, before the game caught up with them and only one of them was allowed to keep going
They stopped in front of the steps leading to another fake house that faintly reminded her of her house back in the North. Jiyeong sat down the steps while Saebyeok leaned against the wall behind her, averting her gaze to stop herself from crying.
Saebyeok learned when she was ten that, sometimes, crying didn’t serve any of the people involved any good.
“What should we play?” she asked.
“This is the biggest tragedy since the Korean War,” Jiyeong said, her tone as playful as always.
“Cut the crap, Jiyeong.”
After a moment of silence, the girl took a look at the marbles in the bag and said. “They said we’re free to create our own rules.”
“Just tell me what to play.”
“I need to give it some thought.” But as usual, she was always quick on her feet when something was thrown at her. “Let’s end the game in one round. We bet everything in one round.”
Saebyeok just looked at her, waiting for whatever idea Jiyeong had that would allow both of them to leave this place in one piece. Instead, the girl nodded in the direction of two other players and continued, “is that what you want to be doing until the clock runs out?”
Truth be told, Saebyeok wanted to be anywhere but here when the clock ran out. She couldn’t bear the thought of losing Jiyeong, whether she won or lost their bet.
“What are we playing then?”
“Why are you in such a hurry? Are you dying to kill me?” Saebyeok’s stomach turned. She almost said something, but Jiyeong kept going. “We’re just playing one round and we’ve got time. Let’s wait ‘til the end.”
“What are we gonna do until then?”
“Talk.”
Saebyeok snorted. “Talk about what?”
“Things we never told anybody, I guess,” she said. “One of us is gonna die here anyway, so what’s the point in holding back?”
As she sat down a couple of steps away from Jiyeong, she saw the man in the mask shift. Saebyeok imagined he shot them a glance before deciding it was not his problem and stayed out of their business until it was time to play. “Why did you come from the North, Saebyeok-a?”
“My family thought things would be better here.”
“And? Are they?”
Saebyeok looked up at her then back to the wall in front of her. Being trapped inside this game was probably the same as prison back in the North. Maybe here she had a small chance to change her life, but the cost was so high that she didn’t feel ready to pay it.
When she didn’t reply, Jiyeong asked about her family. “I sent them on a trip. I was running away when I decided to come here.”
“Running from who?” Jiyeong asked, guessing correctly that she wasn’t metaphorically running away.
“A powerful man I stole money from.” After a moment of silence, she went on. “But at least they will be taken care of, no matter what happens to me. I did my best to ensure that.”
Jiyeong lightly said, “Got a special someone keeping them safe?”
“I just hid a lot of money in my mom’s bag. I hope she finds it at the right time. She knew that something about the money I was getting was wrong; she’ll know not to ask questions and move on. Hopefully.”
They didn’t say anything for the longest time, minutes drifting away between them faster than ever. Saebyeok could feel each second slipping away between her fingers when Jiyeong broke the silence with a quiet question, “if you leave here with that money, what will you do with it?”
“Buy my mom a house near the beach. Leave the country before Seojoon finds me.”
“Hey, you can do so much more with that money! It’s 40 billion won. Basically all the money in the world.”
Saebyeok’s mind flashed back to that moment at home and their conversation back then. “Jeju Island,” she said, wishing Jiyeong hadn’t forgotten about it.
“Jeju Island,” she repeated. Saebyeok dared to look at her and saw Jiyeong already looking at her, giving her a watery smile. “Once we get out of here, we’re getting those mojitos.”
Saebyeok felt her face change and she pursed her lips to stop the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes.
“Ah right. We can’t both leave,” Jiyeong said.
She glanced at the countdown on the other side of the room. Saebyeok’s eyes followed her gaze and she swallowed.
Ten minutes.
“What will you do if you leave here with the money?” Saebyeok asked.
“I haven’t thought about it. I came here because I had nowhere else to go, so I haven’t thought about what I’d do if I got out.” Her arm brushed Saebyeok’s shoulder. “Should we go to Jeju together?”
Saebyeok didn’t feel capable of answering that.
“I’m sorry. I forgot.”
A shot rang through the space as another player was eliminated, the tension inside Saebyeok grew with every passing second.
“You know, I always had this massive crush on you,” said Jiyeong. “I looked up to you everyday on our way to school and I knew I would follow you anywhere, no matter what.”
Saebyeok swallowed around the knot in her throat. “Why are you telling me now?”
“I don’t want any unfinished business between us,” she said. “After all, I loved you like humans love the sun: one day I looked up at the right time and you looked so beautiful that it hurt.”
She looked at the clock and saw it hit the five minute mark. Saebyeok stood up and faced Jiyeong before saying, “let’s do it.”
Jiyeong smiled at her, the stud in her nose sparkling in the light of the lamp behind her, then she nodded.
“Whoever throws a marble closest to that wall wins.”
Saebyeok considered it. It was fair and straightforward. All she had to do was throw the marble.
“I loved you too, y’know?” Saebyeok said.
“I know,” she said. “I was waiting for you to catch up.”
A tear rolled down Saebyeok’s cheek. Of course she knew, the pretentious fucker. Saebyeok wanted to be angry, to yell, to throw a tantrum, but all that came out was, “who should go first?”
“You can go first. Since you’re the youngest one.”
Saebyeok took a step and set her eyes on the wall in front of her. She rolled the marble between her fingers, its cold and smooth surface making a permanent dent in her memory. She held so much in her hands that it felt impossible to let it go.
She threw it before she could think about it any longer, letting go of half of her heart with it.
Jiyeong took her place in front of Saebyeok and got in position to throw the marble. Seconds went by, Saebyeok’s heart was loud in her ears.
Then Jiyeong dropped the marble in front of her.
Anger rose to the surface, her pulse quickened and she lost the reins of her own self.
“What are you doing?” she demanded. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“The marble slipped.”
Saebyeok’s anger consumed her from all angles, burning her insides until only the ashes were left.
“You thought I would be grateful? Is that it? Throw it again.”
“Just let me lose this thing in style.”
Saebyeok couldn’t take it any longer, her voice louder out of its own volition. “Stop acting cool and throw it again.”
Jiyeong looked up at Saebyeok. “I don’t have anything. You have a reason to leave this place. I don’t.” Saebyeok felt a tear roll down her face. “I keep thinking about what you asked me earlier. About what I’d do after leaving this place. But if I leave, that means you’re not coming… and I got no one else but you.”
Jiyeong exhaled shakily.
“Make sure you leave this place alive,” the girl continued. “Get your family back. And go to Jeju too.”
Saebyeok felt a man coming closer to them, time was rushing through her fingers and she couldn’t do anything to stop it except the one thing that always made everything still.
She kissed Jiyeong, a wild, openmouthed thing that left her breathless immediately. She was racing against time and there was nothing she could do to win this.
Time didn’t stop and soon enough a man was pushing Saebyeok away from Jiyeong, turning her in the direction of the door, making her follow another of the masked men who escorted her out. She risked one last look at Jiyeong and wished she hadn’t done it.
Saebyeok would never forget Jiyeong last smile, as big as it always had been before.
When she turned around, she heard, “Kang Saebyeok!”
She stopped walking for a moment, suspended in time.
“Thank you… for playing with me.”
A shot was fired.
Saebyeok kept walking.
EIGHT
Saebyeok’s wound was bleeding profusely, her clothes were stuck to the place where the bandage didn’t cover and she drifted in and out of consciousness for a few minutes before noticing Player 456 was talking to her.
“Saebyeok-a! I was waiting for you!” Her eyes looked for that voice but couldn’t find it anywhere. “I got you, Saebyeok-a. You can let go.”
“It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay,” said Player 456.
“Mister, I’d like to go home.”
Faintly, she could smell her mother’s japchae cooking in the kitchen, her brother running around the house with one of his toys. “Saebyeok-a!” Jiyeong called from outside.
Saebyeok looked out and saw her best friend carrying a huge sunflower.
“Did you miss me?” she yelled.
“Wait for me!” Saebyeok replied. “Mom, I’m going out with Jiyeong. Don’t wait up.”
She ran down the stairs blinded by the midday light. Jiyeong stretched her hand towards her and Saebyeok took it without hesitation.
White light exploded around her. She was home.
Our life is a series of moments. Let them all go. Moments. All gathering towards this one.
— Now is Good (2012)