In his dream, Aphelios laughed at one of his jokes and something warm settled in his stomach. He looked at the way Aphelios' eyes crinkled with laughter and Sett felt proud for being the one to make him laugh like that. One moment he was watching Aphelios laugh, the next he was pushing him against a wall, desperately running his hands down his sides as he kissed his neck, the side of his face, then stopped at his mouth to whisper you have no idea what you do to me.
Sett woke up before his lips touched Aphelios', as it was usual in these dreams. He moved his arm from Rakan's waist and got out of bed. Barefoot, he padded to the bathroom and washed his face with cold water. He gripped at the sink as he looked at himself in the mirror.
Get it together, Sett, he thought. The image of Aphelios' lips was burned behind his eyelids, lingering in his waking thoughts, unbidden.
It all started a couple of weeks ago when he dreamed of Aphelios for the first time. Aphelios was laughing at his jokes, something that was taken out directly of one of their rehearsal sessions. It happened often enough that Sett thought his dreams were just that: a repeat of what happened in the waking world. The fact that he started feeling something when Aphelios laughed in rehearsal after the dreams was unexpected, but Sett didn't think it was anything beyond Aphelios is my friend, I like to make him laugh because of that.
Then the dreams started featuring kisses that had never happened in the waking world and Sett stopped knowing what to do about them. He was happy to ignore them at first, but this one felt a little too much to just ignore.
He was in a happy, committed relationship with two incredible people who loved him and whom he loved immensely in return. Sett had never felt more in love in his entire life. Why would he need anything else? For over two years, his relationship with Xayah and Rakan had been a tether to reality, a reminder that no matter where his music took him, he'd always have a safe place to return to.
Sett shook his head to get rid of the image of Aphelios' body against him. He wasn't going to ruin this amazing thing he had built with Xayah and Rakan for a dream. It was just a dream. There was no need to make a big fuss about it.
Sett was early for rehearsal. It wasn't unusual for him to arrive to the studio before his band mates, specially if he had spent the night with his partners. What was unusual was finding Aphelios already there, playing the keyboard with his headphones on.
Aphelios looked up when Sett threw his jacket on the couch, then he took his headphones off. "Hey, you're early."
"Woke up early," he said, trying to forget the reason he was awake since 6 am. It was easier said than done when Aphelios was right there. "What are you working on?"
"I've had a melody stuck in my head since last night," Aphelios said. "I was putting something together to show the guys later. Do you want to hear it?"
"Sure. Show me."
Aphelios unplugged his headphones and rolled his shoulders back before playing. The melody was soft, almost hesitant, as if Aphelios wasn't sure where it was going. Sett listened attentively, his eyes following Aphelios deft fingers on the keyboard. He liked the way the notes seemed to blur together as Aphelios found his rhythm. Sett found himself humming along, vocalizing when Aphelios repeated the melody a second time.
When he finished, he asked Sett "what do you think?"
"It's good. Really good. What are you thinking for the lyrics?"
Aphelios moved his head in a seesaw motion, clearly torn about saying something. "It's a love song, y'know?"
Sett smiled. "When is it not lately?"
Aphelios looked away, blushing. Sett wanted to tease him about it, but he couldn't find his voice to do so. Instead he said "come on, how bad can it be?"
With a sigh, Aphelios took a sheet of paper from under his notebook and passed it to Sett. He read out loud, "in his arms I float, in a dream I walk. In his eyes I'm lost… why did you stop here?"
Sett tried to ignore the mention of dreams. It felt like a dangerous road to go down on.
"I still don't know where to go from there," Aphelios admitted. "And there's the whole pronouns thing. I can't show Alune this."
"Why not?"
"Not Heartsteel appropriate."
"Right," Sett said, remembering the one and only time his relationship had been a problem for the band, when Sett had come to rehearsal with a set of lyrics that were too bisexual for the band's brand. Alune's words not his. "We can change that though."
"The thing is, I don't want to," said Aphelios.
"Oh?"
"Maybe our lyrics should be about who we are, not about who the label wants us to be."
Sett's heart beat faster in his chest. He constantly felt like he was the only one who thought their image was too important for the label, that he'd rather they have more freedom expressing who they truly were. It was a relief to find out he wasn't alone in that.
He sat down on the chair in front of Aphelios' keyboard, took a pen from the table and said "we're finishing this song."
"Sett—"
"We're finishing this song properly. I don't care if it never sees the light of day as a Heartsteel song, we've got work to do."
Aphelios smiled, bright and beautiful, so beautiful in fact that Sett's heart did a double take. "Alright. Let's start from the top."
"In his arms I float, in a dream I walk. In his eyes I'm lost, visions out of gold, a kaleidoscope," Sett sang, following Aphelios' melody. "No, I cannot show you the way, we are on different planes…"
"So if I float away, so if I float away—" Aphelios picked it up, harmonizing with Sett.
"We'll all be in the same dream…" they finished together as the melody came to its end.
Sett felt his insides on fire. He looked at Aphelios' content expression as he wrote some notes on the margin of his music sheet and felt his heart beat faster. Aphelios was his friend. They'd been friends for a while now. Why did Sett feel like he was seeing him for the first time again?
Aphelios turned to look at him none the wiser. "That was good. Really good."
His heart seemed to skip a beat when Aphelios reached out to take the sheet with the lyrics from him. Sett held onto the sheet for a second longer than necessary, and when he let go, he immediately put his hands in his pockets to stop them from fidgeting.
"We make a good team," Aphelios said.
"Yeah." Aphelios' hair was a very pretty shade of teal. Had it always been this intense? It was the loudest thing about Aphelios, whose voice always seemed to struggle on its way out. Aphelios didn't speak much, but when he did, Sett always listened. Sett wanted to hear Aphelios more often. Everywhere. "You're a good musician. It's easy to follow your lead."
"You've got a way with words, y'know? It's a shame you'll never sing this on stage," he added.
"It probably suits K'sante's voice better anyway," Sett said.
"I like your voice for this song." Aphelios kept his eyes on his music sheets as he continued. "I like your voice all the time to be honest."
"Don't let K'sante or Ezreal hear you or they'll think you're playing favorites."
After a beat, Aphelios looked up and said "maybe you are my favorite, have you thought of that?"
Sett's heart beat faster than before, its thump thump thump ringing in his ears. Was this flirting? Was it friendly teasing or was Aphelios trying to tell him something?
"You're only saying that because I helped you out with this song," Sett said. There was a test there, but he wasn't sure what he was testing for.
"I would say it regardless," said Aphelios.
Sett felt the air was sucked out of his lungs, the air around him felt hotter, heavier, charged. Have Aphelios' eyes always been a kaleidoscope of browns and reds? How come he never noticed before? Sett didn't know where his next words came from. "Don't tell K'sante, but you're my favorite too."
Aphelios laughed and something warm settled in his stomach. It rang in his head clear as day, exactly how it sounded in his dreams: sweet as bells, light as the sea breeze. Sett's stomach tightened with the confirmation that he wanted to kiss Aphelios. He wanted to know the sounds Aphelios would make under his hands.
A door opened behind Sett, breaking the spell. Kayn said, "did the lovebirds kick you out of bed?"
"Can't a guy wake up early of his own accord every once in a while?" he said as he turned around, feeling weird about his not-so-friendly banter with Aphelios.
"Who are you and what did you do to Sett?" said Kayn giving him the side eye.
"Ha ha, very funny," he said, trying to sound nonchalant. Out of the corner of his eye, Aphelios was fiddling with his music sheets, looking very focused on the task in front of him. If Sett looked carefully, he could see a faint blush on his cheeks. He desperately wished it meant something.
"What's funny?" asked Ezreal as he entered the room. Behind him, K'sante and Yone were in the middle of a rant. Probably about the last video game they started playing.
Instead of replying, Sett said "what do you guys think about playing for a while before we sit down to write?"
"Alune told us Aphelios was working on something," Kayn said.
When the guys turned to look at him, Aphelios shook his head. "Nothing came out of it."
Sett tilted his head in question, but Aphelios gave him a curt shake, anxious almost.
"Yeah, Aphelios was just saying that," Sett agreed, trying not to think of the song. Of course, not thinking of the song, only made him think harder about it. "I got here just now."
The melody Aphelios played for him sounded in his head, his raspy voice vocalizing along with Sett was playing on repeat. For once, he found himself looking forward to his dreams of Aphelios.
He had to talk to Xayah and Rakan.
Sett arrived at their building and stood outside for a moment breathing in the cold November air, slowly picking at his keys until he found the one to let himself in. He dragged his feet inside slowly, each step heavier than the one before. Sett didn't think he could lie to them to avoid seeing them, they could read him like no one else in the world.
They would understand, right? Sure, they said they were exclusive but they never said it was non-negotiable. They could work things out. They worked their thing out, even if there were some glitches in the process. Sett knew he loved them and that these new feelings for Aphelios didn't change anything about what he felt for them. He just liked one of his friends, it wasn't a big deal, right?
The elevator pinged when it reached the sixth floor and Sett's stomach felt heavy. He went out of the elevator and turned right to see Xayah waiting for him at the door, she was in her stay-at-home sweats and one of Sett's t-shirts, tied with a knot at the hip.
Don't ruin this, he told himself.
"Hey, babe," Sett said out loud, smiling as he walked.
Xayah tilted her head curiously, but didn't mention it. "Hey, Sett," she said, low and soft, sleepy even.
"Should you even be up?" he asked as he reached her. Xayah hugged him, hiding her head in the crook of his neck, breathing him in. Sett hugged her back just as tight, holding on to her as if this would be the last time he'd get to hold her. He kissed the top of her head and mumbled "missed you."
"Missed you too," she said, her breath tickling his neck. "Stay here forever."
Sett felt the knot in his stomach tighten. "Where's that coming from?"
"We should talk about this over dinner," said Xayah, pulling apart. "We made gyoza."
Xayah took his hand and pulled him into the apartment. Sett dropped his bag by the door and took off his shoes, then he followed Xayah as she dragged him into the kitchen where Rakan was pan frying gyoza over the stove. He kept his eyes on the pan as he said "hey, Sett. How was rehearsal?"
"Good. We have some proposals for the next record… maybe. We get some freedom with the next EP since it worked out well for the debut song." Sett knew he was repeating things they already knew, but he had spent the whole day thinking about how he would break the news about Aphelios and so rehearsal itself passed in a blur.
He stopped next to Rakan to kiss his cheek before he added "We went through all the songs we've finished this month. To be honest, I'm tired of listening to myself."
Sett watched as Rakan turned the stove off to turn to look at him with a worried expression. "What happened?"
"Nothing happened," he answered too quickly. Rakan just raised an eyebrow in question. "Maybe a little something. Can we go sit down for this?"
Xayah and Rakan shared one of their looks. By now, Sett knew them enough to know it meant they both had questions but were willing to wait for him to say what was on his mind.
Rakan put a lid on the pan with the gyoza and led the way to the living room. Xayah picked up a cushion on the way before sitting down cross-legged on the couch opposite to the sofa.
For his part, Sett sat down on the far end of the sofa Rakan had chosen, working up the nerve to talk about Aphelios.
"Are you finally ready to talk about what's been bothering you?" asked his girlfriend.
"How do you know something's been bothering me? I haven't said anything."
"You didn't have to," said Xayah. "You're not subtle, love."
Sett's heart beat faster, anxious. He would not ruin this. He just needed to tell them the truth. They loved him, they would understand.
He took a deep breath, his eyes focused on his hands. His words rushed out of him like a dam breaking. "I think I like someone? No, I'm positive. I like someone."
It was the first time he put the feelings Aphelios stirred in him into something so concise and direct. It was freeing to say it out loud. The room held its breath for a second. Sett's ears rang with the sound of his heart beating wildly against his ribcage.
Xayah was the first to speak up, her voice hesitant. "Someone apart from us or someone instead of us?"
"I still love you, both of you, more than ever," he rushed to say, looking up. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
"Nothing's wrong with you, Sett." Rakan's voice was gentle but firm. "You are perfect exactly as you are. So, you're full of love, what's wrong with that?"
Sett glanced from Rakan to Xayah. "What do you think?"
Xayah swallowed before speaking; Sett tried not to obsess about the worst possible outcome. "I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel like you can't tell me these things. I want you to feel safe with me."
"I do feel safe with you," he replied. It came to him easily because it was the truth. Sett went on to admit "I've never had a relationship last as long as this one. I don't want to ruin what we have. I love you so much. I'm sorry for not speaking up earlier."
Rakan reached out and grabbed his hand. "Just talk to us. We've worked things out before. We can do it again."
Sett blinked away the tears that threatened to spill and nodded. Xayah got up from her seat and came to sit on Sett's lap, hugging him tight and kissing the side of his face. "I guess this is not the time to bring up moving together then?"
"Xayah!" Rakan said, pained.
"Moving together?" Sett asked.
"It was just a thought," she said, sheepishly. "I like it when you're here. I want you to always be here. But I want you to have time and space to do your thing."
Rakan nodded. "Yeah, speaking of… have you told this mysterious person about your feelings?"
"I can't," said Sett.
"Why?" Xayah asked.
"Because that will truly ruin everything."
"Is it someone from the band?" Rakan asked, making Sett's heart beat faster. "Is it Yone? I'd get my flirt on with Yone, I'm not ashamed to say so—"
"It is not Yone, Jesus Christ—"
"Is it Alune?" Xayah made a face that he recognized from the times she'd told them about girl she'd dated before. "She's cute."
"God, no. Please stop guessing before you say something that will scar me for life. It's Aphelios, okay? I can never tell him. He's my friend."
"So?" Xayah pushed. "Have you considered asking him out?"
"I can't do that!"
"But you like him," Rakan said.
"Yeah."
"Then why not say something? He might like you back, you know?"
Sett leaned his forehead on Xayah's shoulder. "I don't know, Rakan."
"The thing is, you're never gonna know unless you talk to him."
With a sigh, he said "I'll think about it. Can we watch a movie now? I need to stop thinking about him for an hour or two."
"Oh, I know a better way to distract you for an hour or two." Xayah held onto his shoulder as she rearranged her body on his lap. He felt her lips on his ear as she trailed kisses along the side of his jaw.
Sett could definitely use that kind of distraction now.
It was later than they usually finished rehearsing, but Yone had an idea and they got so into it that it got dark before they decided to call it a day. K'sante was putting things into his bag, slowly, methodically, while Sett counted the seconds for his best friend to be done.
"Are you coming?" K'sante asked.
"I'm meeting Xayah and Rakan in a bit," said Sett, putting one of his notebooks away. His eyes drifted to Aphelios as they usually did lately. He tried to gauge his friend's reaction but the man was busy with his laptop.
K'sante rolled his eyes at him.
"You sicken me," he joked. It had been a long time since K'sante got over his initial disbelief. Now they were at the stage where Sett's love life barely registered. Unless it was to tease Sett's love sickness. His friend turned to Aphelios next. "What about you, Phel?"
"I think I'm gonna stay for a while. I'm tinkering with Yone's last track," he said, plugging his headphones to the keyboard.
"You could do that tomorrow," K'sante replied.
"I don't want to lose this one. It's been brewing for the last hour at the back of my mind."
"Suit yourself," K'sante said, already used to Aphelios' weird hours. K'sante himself had a strict No Overtime policy. He claimed it was to separate his work from the rest of his life, but Sett knew it was so he would have extra gym time. He wouldn't sacrifice his muscles for his musical career. "See you at home then."
K'sante left and the room fell silent. Sett closed his bag and, without looking up, he said "you've been avoiding me since Tuesday."
Aphelios made a noncommittal sound. "Isn't it date night? Why are you still here? Your lovebirds probably miss you."
Sett sighed. This would be more difficult than he expected it to be.
"I suggested we prank Kayn and you didn't say anything about it," he continued, as if his partners hadn't been mentioned. Whatever it took to get Aphelios to talk to him.
"Kayn's too easy a target."
"You didn't think that when you made him run the oven twice as hot," Sett said,
Aphelios chuckled. "Okay, that was fun."
"There was a fire."
"That's on Kayn for believing me," he rebutted.
Sett shook his head. "Don't change the topic. You've been avoiding me since the song, which, by the way, I still don't understand why you didn't show the guys."
A beat of silence. Aphelios finally looked up from his laptop to glance at Sett. "It felt a little too personal."
"Oh."
"Yeah. Sorry I wasted your time with it," he apologized.
"Don't. I liked writing with you. It'd been a while since a song came to me so easily," he admitted.
"Maybe we'll record it someday," Aphelios said quietly, his voice tinged with longing. "Release it on bandcamp without any fanfare, let the music speak for itself."
"I wish you'd sing it," Sett said.
"I can't."
"I know. Doesn't mean I don't wanna hear your voice singing to it." Sett's heartbeat jumped, nervous. "I keep thinking about that day, you know? Your voice, those lyrics. You."
A confession, given freely without asking for anything in return. Rakan was right, Sett would never know if Aphelios felt the same unless he spoke up. If anything, Aphelios' rejection would help him move on.
"Sett—"
"And before you say anything, I need you to know this doesn't have to change anything. Me liking you. We can still be friends, we can still be in the band and make music together. I just… I have all these feelings bubbling up inside me, thoughts about you, about us." Sett took a deep breath and steeled himself for whatever came next. "I like you, Phel. I don't want to keep this in any longer. I like you and I desperately want you to feel the same way so you'll go out with me."
Aphelios was looking at him with a neutral expression, but Sett noticed his hands were trembling.
"Go out with you?" he asked, as soft as a whisper.
"Yes. On a date, like a romantic one." Sett's face felt warm but he pushed through it. "If you want to."
"What happened to Xayah and Rakan?"
"Nothing happened. I want to date you. Independent of what I have with them."
Aphelios' mouth curved in an almost smile. Sett's heart beat a hopeful tattoo in his chest. "So let me get this straight: you already have a complicated relationship you must keep out of the public eye, and you want to add another one?"
"I just wanna take you out on a date," he said, earnest. "Maybe make out a little since I can't stop thinking about it, if we're being honest."
Aphelios put his laptop to the side and stood up. He came to stand in front of Sett, close enough to touch, but not reaching out. "You've thought about kissing me?"
Sett exhaled, wondering how far the truth could take him. "Phel, it's the only thing I've dreamed for weeks, I—"
He didn't see it coming, Aphelios was standing in front of him, then he was cupping Sett's head in his hands and pulling him into a kiss. Sett's world stopped the moment Aphelios' lips touched his, warm and soft and right against his own. His hand gripped Aphelios' hips and pulled him closer, their kiss deepening. There was a hunger in their kiss that felt remarkably similar to his first night with Xayah and Rakan. The kind of hunger that threatened to consume him whole, burn him from the inside.
Aphelios bit down on his bottom lip and Sett gasped, a jolt of electricity going down from his lips all the way to his groin. Aphelios pushed him back until his back hit a wall and kissed him harder, thirsty, as if Sett was the last glass of water in the world and he needed to drink him in.
They pulled apart panting, Sett pressing his forehead against Aphelios'.
"God, this is so much better than my dreams," Sett said, his voice low and dangerous.
"We haven't even scratched the surface of mine," replied Aphelios, sounding wrecked. He pulled apart slightly to look at Sett's face. Sett watched his beautiful face set in a decision. Finally, he said "okay."
"Okay?"
"One date. No one in the band knows about it. I don't think I can take Ezreal's jokes about it."
"Ezreal?"
"Look, you're not exactly subtle. Ezreal's been on my case about your puppy eyes for weeks," Aphelios said.
"Ezreal knows?" his eyes widened as he went through his latest interactions with Aphelios, trying to parse if he'd done anything too revealing.
"He had an idea," said Aphelios. Even lower, he added "the right one apparently."
"Alright then," he said, caressing Aphelios' cheek with his right hand, soft as a feather. "Where do you wanna go?"
Aphelios gave him a smile. "Surprise me."
Sett didn't have to be told twice.