There are loves
That wait for winter and bloom
And on autumn nights they turn green
Just like the love I feel for you—Hay amores - Shakira
Peeta baked bread even in hot, sticky days. He used the oven in what was technically his house —even if he spent his nights in Katniss' bed, even if he had a permanent presence in what she'd come to think of as their closet— but the smell drifted in through the windows and reached Katniss in her living room as well. It was too hot to hike to the lake at this hour of the day, so Katniss was lying on the sofa, fanning herself with an envelope she found on top of the coffee table. She didn't remember that envelope. Maybe it was Peeta's. She frowned at the handwriting on the front. Catnip. Her heart beat faster. She hadn't heard that nickname in years.
Without thinking about it, she thew the envelope away, standing up. She watched it slide under the loveseat and, when it was out of sight, Katniss breathed again. She was tempted to check under the couch, but decided that maybe it was better to pretend it didn't exist.
Katniss went to the kitchen to get some water just as Peeta came into the house. He walked into the kitchen, none the wiser.
"We should go to the lake," he said.
"We should've gone earlier," Katniss replied. "You'll get sunburned."
She took another gulp of water before putting the glass away, then she turned to Peeta. Katniss' breath caught in her throat. He was wearing a loose tank top that revealed his strong arms, its deep cut showing his collarbone. He was sweating, his hair plastered to his forehead. His smile was soft, like most things Peeta were.
Years had passed since Katniss and Peeta had become lovers, but Katniss was still surprised by the depth of her feelings for Peeta. It was one of those things she thought she would get used to, but no luck so far. She wanted Peeta like she'd never wanted anyone before, and she felt incredibly grateful to have him. She knew deep in her soul that she wouldn't have been able to stand so much loss, so much pain, without him by her side.
"Are you okay?" he asked. "You got all pensive there."
Katniss shook her head. "I love you, you know?"
Peeta lowered his chin, blushing. "I know. I love you too."
She took his hand and brought him closer, pressing her forehead to his, reveling in the warmth of his love.
"I made cookies," Peeta mumbled, the words warm in the space between them.
Katniss kissed him, hard. Peeta's hands came to rest on her hips and pulled her closer still, pressing their bodies together. His kisses were the kindling that lit up the fire within her, a fire that no one but Peeta could put out.
They ate cookies in the afterglow and, much later, watched the sunset together sitting on the steps to their house.
The days got shorter and colder, and they started spending more time inside. Peeta baked more when something was bothering him, and Katniss noticed a lot more baked goods on the counters than usual.
"Is everything okay?" Katniss asked.
"Yeah," Peeta said, wiping his hands on his apron before kissing her cheek. "Are you? You look a little pale."
Katniss was looking at the envelope addressed to her pinned to the fridge by a magnet.
"Where did that come from?" she asked.
Peeta followed Katniss' eyes to the fridge. "My mail? It's the second one he sends, I thought you might've thrown the other away."
"Why is Gale sending you mail?"
Peeta frowned. "It's only been a couple of times. He's homesick, he wanted to know how things were at 12."
"He could ask someone else," Katniss said.
"His mother hasn't returned his letters for a while. He doesn't exactly have friends left since most of them died in the bombing."
"Why is he sending me letters through you?" Katniss asked next, unsure why her words tasted bitter in her mouth.
"Maybe you should read them and find out yourself," Peeta said.
Katniss walked to the fridge and took the letter, ripped it in half and threw it in the trash. Her hands trembled slightly.
"I don't want to find out."
"Katniss, wait—"
She left before Peeta could finish whatever he wanted to say.
She could never stay truly mad at Peeta. Though she went to her own room with the intention of sleeping there, after a minute of staring at the perfectly made bed, she turned around and walked to Peeta's room, where she usually slept. He was reading a book with the night lamp on, but he looked up at the sound of his door.
Katniss sighed and put the lamp she was carrying on the other nightstand. She got in the bed and snuggled close to Peeta. He lifted his arm and put it around Katniss' shoulders then went back to his book. After a few pages, he dogeared the page and put it away, kissing the top of Katniss' head before settling back on the bed.
Peeta's heart beat steadily under her ear and his fingers caressed her hair softly. She was on the verge of sleep when Peeta spoke up.
"I'm sorry about Gale. I'll ask him to stop sending you notes." His voice wavered before he added, "I'll stop writing to him if you want me to."
"Why did you answer when he wrote?" she asked.
"He sounded lonely," Peeta said. "It felt a lot like looking at the mirror."
"Yeah, I'm sure he's very lonely in District 2," Katniss knew how bitter her words sounded, but she didn't care.
"How would you know if you're not reading his letters?" Peeta said. "I like talking to him. He doesn't treat me like I'm fragile."
"Do I?"
"I'm not saying you do. Others do, though."
Katniss pulled back and looked at Peeta, earnest. "You are the strongest man I know."
He gave Katniss his most beautiful smile. "See, Gale thinks so too."
Gale wasn't mentioned again in over a month, when Peeta came to sit across from her on the kitchen table where Katniss was writing to Effie. He was carrying a notebook and a couple of envelopes.
"Can I borrow one of your pens?"
She nodded and went back to her letter, answering Effie's questions about how she was spending her days. Katniss didn't have much in the way of news, so she wrote about the forest, about Peeta's baking, about Haymitch. After a while, she felt Peeta's eyes on her. Katniss looked up and found him frowning.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"It's a cold night to sleep alone," Peeta said.
Katniss frowned, confused. "What does that mean?"
He shook his head. "You won't even want to see me after I tell you."
"Well, now you have to tell me."
With a sigh, he said, "Gale is coming to 12."
Katniss' pen fell from her hand and rolled down the table, falling over the side and hitting the floor with a clank. "What?"
"He doesn't have a place to stay so he'll crash at mine." When Katniss didn't say anything, he continued. "I'm gonna stay over there. Will you be okay at night?"
"When?"
"In about a week," he said.
Katniss wondered if there was a way she could avoid leaving the house altogether for a couple of days, but quickly discarded the idea; she would miss hunting too much.
"Okay," she said in the end. Katniss picked up another pen from her case and went back to her letter. She could feel Peeta's gaze on her. "Really, it's fine."
"I can come at night," Peeta offered.
Instead of accepting, Katniss said, "I think it's better if I sleep in my room for a while."
Peeta breathed a sigh. "Okay."
Katniss was sitting by the window watching the rain, so she saw Peeta and Gale chatting animatedly as they crossed the entrance to the Victors' Village. Peeta was smiling and he listened to Gale, who seemed to be telling a story while he pointedly avoided looking in the direction of Katniss' home.
She wanted to see Gale's face clearly, but the angle was wrong. When Peeta and Gale stopped outside of Peeta's place, Gale turned around and looked in Katniss' direction. She was grateful for the curtains that hid half of her body and obscured her from view. A moment later, Peeta opened the door and Gale followed him inside.
Katniss noticed he was carrying a small duffel bag that could only mean he was staying a short time. She breathed in deeply, trying to calm her heart beating the fastest it had since the war.
Did he see her? Would he come looking for her?
She stood up and went to her room, where she leaned against the closed door and cried until she felt numb.
For a couple of days, Katniss only saw Peeta in the mornings. He would come with fresh bread for breakfast and they would eat together mostly in silence, occasionally interrupted by a question about Katniss' night.
On the third day, Katniss asked, "what do you guys even talk about?"
Peeta smiled as he said, "I'm surprised it took you this long to ask."
When Peeta didn't elaborate, she pressed, "well?"
"I think that's between us, isn't it? I don't talk to him about what you and I talk about," Peeta said.
Katniss looked into her mug where her tea was cooling off.
"We do talk about you sometimes if you're curious."
"Why?"
"I don't have anyone else, Katniss. There's Annie and Johanna, who live far from here. There's Haymitch, who is just as screwed up as we all are. Effie sometimes writes. Then there's Gale. Talking to him about you feels easy. He's the only other person in the world who understands how it feels to love you."
Katniss stayed silent, biting her tongue to stop herself from saying something cruel.
"I don't want to hear it," Katniss said.
"We talk about other things most of the time, don't worry."
Katniss ate the rest of her breakfast in silence, keeping her eyes on her toast.
"When is he leaving?" she asked in between bites.
Peeta visibly cringed. "About that—"
"No."
"Mrs. Hawthorne is sick. He can't take care of his siblings from District 2."
"He's not staying here," Katniss repeated.
"He's building something down the road from his family; he won't be here."
"I can't—" she stopped eating, standing up.
"Katniss—"
"I can't. I need to get out of here."
She left without saying another word, running until her lungs felt on fire. The wind howled in her ears and her steps scared away the birds, but she ran until she no longer felt her past chasing her.
Hours later, Haymitch found her sitting on a fallen tree, tears drying on her cheeks.
"You do realize Peeta worries when you do this," he said as he sat next to her.
Katniss didn't bother with a reply, she just put her hand out and waited for Haymitch to put a small bottle in it. She drank two gulps of the clear alcohol before passing it back.
"Feeling talkative, I see," Haymitch said, drinking from the bottle himself.
After a while of drinking in silence, Katniss said, "I thought Gale would stay away forever."
"This was his home too," Haymitch said, matter-of-fact.
"Things would be easier if he stayed away," she continued. "I wouldn't have— I don't think I can face him."
"I don't think he can face you either," said Haymitch.
"She was everything, Haymitch," Katniss said. "It was all for her and she's not here to see it through."
"You don't think Gale thinks of that every night?"
"He should. It was his idea."
"It was President Coin's order. Who lets a resentful 19-year-old have a say in a war? What person in their right mind sacrifices their own people to win a war? I'm not saying you have to forgive him, Katniss. I'm saying many people were responsible in your sister's death and, as far as Peeta has told me, he's trying to make amends."
"Peeta has told you about Gale?" Katniss asked, curious.
"Peeta only has two interests these days: you and Gale. If it's not one, it's the other. If I didn't know how devoted he is to you, I'd say he's got a crush."
"I don't understand why," she said.
"Beats me," Haymitch replied. "Peeta's a charmer. He used to have friends before the Games, before the bombing."
"Did you?" Katniss asked.
Haymitch drank the last of his alcohol. "You two are all I've got left," he said.
"I'm sorry."
"Eh, after a while, you get used to it." He stood up and reached out to Katniss. "Let's go home. We can drink until the sun comes up."
Katniss took his hand and followed him back home. They sat together in Haymitch's living room and drank until it got dark outside.
She fell asleep on his couch, waking up twice from dreams with Primrose. In the first, her name was being called in the 74th Hunger Games and Katniss volunteered on her place. In the second, Gale and Prim at 13, laughing at one of Gale's hunting mishaps. Both times, Prim's voice rang in her head clear as day.
The next day, Katniss walked into her kitchen with a mild headache and a creak in her neck. Peeta was waiting for her in the kitchen.
"Morning," he said.
"Morning," Katniss replied. She walked to the stove to put the kettle on, almost on autopilot.
"How was Haymitch's couch?"
Katniss yawned. "Terrible."
"Maybe you should've come home," said Peeta. "We could've talked."
"There's nothing to talk about."
He visibly winced. "Katniss—"
"It was Gale's home too, I suppose. But he can't live in the village. I can't see him around."
"Okay," Peeta nodded. "I'll help him find a place."
Out of nowhere, she said, "Haymitch thinks you like Gale."
Peeta straightened up, frowning. "What do you mean? I do like Gale."
"He thinks— Never mind."
"Come on, Katniss, what is it?"
"Would you tell me if you liked him as more than friends?" Katniss asked, something akin to jealousy biting her insides.
Peeta's frown deepened. "I'm not even sure we are friends."
"Okay," she said.
After a moment of tense silence, Katniss felt Peeta's hand on her arm. She looked up at him, feeling small under his gaze.
"I love you. You know that, right?" he said.
"I know." Katniss leaned against him, pressing her forehead to the side of his face. "I love you too."
Peeta's arm wrapped around her and Katniss sank into his arms. They stood there, holding each other until the kettle boiled. Katniss pulled apart slightly to turn off the stove and Peeta kissed the top of her head.
"Go lie down. I'll make you tea," Peeta said.
Her mouth curved in a smile. "Okay."
Three days later, Katniss woke up to a soft knock on her door.
"Katniss?" Peeta asked.
"Come in."
Peeta was heavily bundled up, carrying a tray with tea, toasted bread, and fresh cookies. He looked ready to go hiking in the woods, but Katniss refused to believe Peeta would willingly hike out of the confines of District 12 on his own.
"Good morning," Peeta said, setting the tray next to her.
"Morning." Peeta briefly kissed her lips, then her forehead. "Did winter get here while I was sleeping?"
"I'm going to the lake," he said.
"The lake is freezing this time of the year," Katniss said. "I'm not going there, Peeta."
"I know."
Katniss' stomach tightened. Peeta gave the tray a little push towards her, but she couldn't think of food at the moment. "You're going with Gale."
"He's not… handling the move very well," Peeta explained. "Things with his family are complicated too."
Katniss wondered if something had happened to Mrs. Hawthorne, but she was too afraid to ask. She would know if she hadn't pushed them away after she distanced herself from Gale. Instead, she picked up a cookie from the tray and ate it slowly.
"I can stay here if you want," he said.
Once Katniss swallowed the cookie, she said, "can you come tonight? I'm tired of sleeping alone in here."
"Sure," he said, a small frown creasing his forehead.
"Go. You're wasting precious daylight," Katniss said. "Be careful."
"Always," said Peeta, kissing the top of her head.
Katniss watched him go, then picked up her mug and drank the tea Peeta prepared for her. It was exactly as sweet as she took it. She ate her breakfast in silence, mildly jealous of all the time Gale was spending with Peeta.
It was strange, sharing Peeta's time in any capacity. She was used to having him around always, someone to turn to whenever there was a thought at the tip of her tongue. Someone who understood her better than anyone ever could. Anyone except Gale, who knew her at a very tender time in her life and saw his own share of horrors in the war to last him a lifetime.
Katniss shook her head. Gale knew her once, she was not that girl anymore. Gale was not the same boy anymore; Katniss didn't know who he was now, all these years later. It was easier this way, she told herself.
She didn't understand why her chest ached at the thought of not knowing Gale anymore.
When Peeta came home, he smelled like firewood and fallen leaves. Katniss hugged him for a long time, breathing him in. Peeta usually smelled of baked goods, so this was new and unexpected. Somehow, it reminded her of Gale on Reaping Day six years ago, telling her they could run away and make it in the woods.
Katniss held onto Peeta, digging her fingers into the fabric of his jacket, and felt the hot sting of tears demanding to be spilled. Peeta pulled away and caressed her cheek, catching a lonely tear before it rolled far down.
"What's wrong?" Peeta asked.
"Nothing," she replied. "I missed you."
"Missed you too," he said. "Do you want to make dinner together?"
Katniss nodded and followed him to the kitchen. As he opened cabinets and checked the fridge for ingredients, Katniss spoke up. "Did you have a good time?"
He hummed in agreement. "It's so quiet up there. Peaceful."
"What did you do?" she asked, curious.
"Not much. Gale just wanted a break from everything."
"What is he even doing?"
Peeta opened a bag of beans and measured a cup full before saying, "what do you mean?"
"You know, around town. He's not going back to work in the mines, is he?"
"No, no, he's got an admin job at the new medicine factory," said Peeta as the transferred the beans to a pot. He walked to the windowsill and ripped a couple of rosemary sprigs from the plant, then he threw them into the pot with the beans.
"An admin job? I never pictured Gale behind a desk."
"Well, he's not exactly behind a desk all the time," Peeta said. He stopped talking as he filled the pot with water. When he was done, he turned the stove on and set the pot over the fire. Katniss waited for him to turn around before giving him a nod to encourage him to continue. "He oversees shipments to other districts, so he's constantly visiting the warehouse and the train station."
"Exciting," she said, sarcasm dripping from her tone. "I thought he'd been promoted to military captain."
"Gale wants to feel useful, to work with the people. The military was not giving him that so he quit."
"He quit," Katniss stated, serious.
"Yeah, he's been out for a while. Four years, I think," said Peeta. He tilted his head curiously. "You know, you could talk to him."
Katniss tensed. "I don't want to talk to him."
Peeta pressed his lips in a thin line, almost as if to stop himself from speaking. He nodded and turned back to the counter to prepare the vegetables for dinner. Katniss felt herself relax slowly, but she knew she would spend a long time thinking of whatever Peeta didn't say.
With a sigh, she went to the kitchen sink and washed her hands before helping Peeta with the vegetables. Gale was not mentioned again that night.
By the time winter settled over the district, Gale had moved out from Peeta's place. Katniss could rest easy knowing she wouldn't run into him in the village, even if she barely saw him a handful of times in passing during the entirety of his stay at Peeta's.
To his credit, Gale didn't come looking for her and gave her as much space as she could have wanted. She knew from Peeta that he spent most of the time out at work and helping build the home he would live in from now on. Once the place was habitable, he moved his meager belongings with Peeta's help and didn't step foot on the village, just as Katniss wanted.
And while some things went back to normal —Peeta slept by her side and had most of his meals with her—, some things were changed forever by his new place in Peeta's life. Ever since they returned to District 12, Peeta's days had been filled with baking, painting, and gardening, activities that Katniss liked to watch and sometimes partake in. Since Gale's arrival, Peeta split some of his time between the house and the new bakery in town, a place he had only frequented occasionally because it was a painful reminder of all he'd lost.
When Katniss asked him about it, he said, "I'm teaching Jean to bake cakes. People can afford them more often now, so I bake with her and help her out."
Jean was one of the survivors from the bombing. Her family used to leave in the Seam and their life had improved greatly after the Reconstruction. Jean came to find Peeta a little after a year of his return to start her bakery. They became friendly acquaintances and, sometimes, she visited them at the village, bringing her poppy seed bread with her. Katniss liked Jean, and she liked that Peeta was feeling more like himself and wanted to be around other people.
Katniss knew that people in town respected Peeta and that many of them saw him as a beacon of hope in the aftermath of the war. As Haymitch said, Peeta was a charmer, he was made to be around people and that's where he thrived best. Katniss, on the other hand, was terrible at being the center of attention, which is why she spent most of her time at the village.
"I'm happy passing on my knowledge," Peeta added. "Besides, it's near the medicine factory, I can swing by for lunch sometimes."
The medicine factory where Gale worked. Because Peeta liked to spend time with Gale now, something Katniss was still getting used to. She wondered what was so fascinating about Gale that Peeta wanted be with him so often, but didn't voice those thoughts out loud.
In her dreams, Gale spoke of making the world better, more just, before he had to leave to work in the mines. When Katniss woke up from those dreams, her pillow would be wet with tears.
They had been friends once, inseparable, so much so that his absence from Katniss life still felt like the loss of a limb.
With a sigh, she started her day, feeling lonelier than ever.
The first snowfall came and went, and with it dark afternoons of sitting by the fire while Peeta read one of his books and Katniss wrote to her mother in District 4.
In her last letter, Katniss' mother asked about Gale. She said Haymitch told her Gale had moved back to the district and she wanted to know if she had seen him. Katniss didn't know how to convey her conflicting feelings about Gale in a letter, but she didn't think she could tell her mother over the phone.
In the end, she wrote
Peeta hangs out with him sometimes. I haven't seen him nor I plan to, but I find myself absurdly missing our days hunting to survive. I fear I've gone insane, but I almost wish I could turn back time and be there with him. I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do. Tell me when it's a good time to visit. I want to sit by the sea with you.
Love, Katniss.
Her mother replied a few days later. She told her about her work in the hospital and Annie's son, about the sea and winter over at District 4. Near the end of her letter, she said, I can't tell you what to do about Gale. Last time we talked I told him to find peace and to take care of his family. Visit whenever you want, you're always welcome here.
Winter passed in a blur of fresh homemade cookies and warm tea in front of the fire. Haymitch visited them often, sometimes with a bottle of liquor and stories for their memory book. Katniss found herself writing on it at odds times, documenting Haymitch's stories while Peeta painted.
As the last of the snow melted, Katniss went back to the woods. There was something beautiful about the break of spring that put her in a good mood. Living felt easier at times like that.
She was walking back home when she saw Gale kneeling by the side of Peeta's home, hands on his thighs and hunched over the first blooms of spring. Katniss saw his shoulders shake as he sobbed. She stopped in her tracks and her stomach tightened in anticipation.
"Gale?" she called.
The man raised his head and looked at the empty space in front of him for a moment. Katniss watched as Gale cleaned his face with the back of his hands before turning around partially, squinting against the sun.
They stared at each other for a long time before Gale straightened up and stood up, then he walked past her in silence. Katniss' eyes went to the clusters of dainty flowers by the side of Peeta's home. Primrose.
She swallowed the knot in her throat and turned away. As she went inside, Katniss realized that she wanted to talk about Prim to someone who knew her well. Her mom was on the other side of the country while the only other person alive who had known her like that had just walked away.
April arrived with a bang when Peeta stormed into the house to find Katniss on a late Saturday afternoon. He looked agitated and Katniss feared something terrible had happened.
"What is it?" she pushed away the pictures she was gluing to her memory book and focused on Peeta. He didn't look injured but Katniss didn't know what to expect.
"Gale," he started, sending a chill down Katniss' spine, "kissed me."
Katniss frowned. "What?"
"I kissed him back."
Katniss' heart beat faster. She felt at the edge of a cliff as if the world was about to be ripped from under her. She stood up and went to find her boots.
"Katniss?"
Once she was wearing shoes, she looked at Peeta standing next to her.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Do you love him?" she asked, scared of the answer.
"I love you," said Peeta.
"That's not what I asked."
Peeta looked lost as he said, "I… I don't know Katniss."
Katniss nodded and left as Peeta called her name. She ignored him and kept going, walking decidedly in the direction of Gale's home.
When she arrived at the town square, her breath caught. The town was bustling with activity as people went on about their days in the reconstructed district. Distractedly, she wondered how they could go on in a place that had seen so much pain, but, deep down, she knew. There was no other way but to keep moving forward.
She found Gale's place after asking a couple of people if they knew where he lived. They seemed surprised that Katniss didn't know, but they gave her clear directions when asked.
Gale's home was a small brick house at the end of a street where houses were still being built. Some people working in their own houses turned to look at her when she walked past, but she paid no mind to them.
Katniss pounded on Gale's door with a closed fist, her jealous anger finding release at last. Gale opened with a frown on his face.
"Katniss?"
"Why do you want to take him from me?" she asked, feeling the hole in her chest expand. Gale's handsome face twisted in a painful grimace.
"I just had to do that once," he said, an echo of something he told Katniss years ago. "I know he's in love with you."
"He might be in love with you too," said Katniss.
Gale's eyes opened in surprise. "Peeta said that?"
"He didn't have to."
With a sigh, Gale said, "I'm not gonna ask him to choose me. Or anyone for that matter. It was a spur of the moment. It won't happen again."
Katniss watched his face for a moment, at his earnest gray eyes, his tousled brown hair, his chapped lips set in a straight line. She could see how anyone could fall for him.
The gravel crunched under her boots as she turned around and walked away. Gale didn't try to stop her.
When Katniss got back home, Peeta had left a note saying he would spend the night at his own house. She threw it in the trash and locked herself in her room trying to make sense of her thoughts, turning them around her head until they no longer held any distinct shape.
Later, she fell asleep trying to picture Gale kissing Peeta. It was a concept too foreign for her tired mind to grasp.
A few days passed before Katniss went looking for Peeta after he came back from his day at Jean's bakery. He was methodically unpacking a bag of groceries and looked up when he heard Katniss enter the room.
"Do you hate me?" he asked.
Katniss scoffed. "I don't hate you. I don't think I could ever hate you."
Peeta looked down at the parcel he was holding, then set it on the table. "I love you, Katniss. That hasn't changed."
"Okay."
"I might love him also."
"I get it," said Katniss. "At some point that was me as well."
They shared the first uncomfortable silence between them in years, unsure of where they stood with each other. Katniss couldn't bear it, so she turned to leave, but Peeta stooped her when he said, "I don't want that kiss to ruin what we have."
"Nothing can ruin what we have, Peeta," Katniss said, sincerely. "Come home when you're ready."
"What about Gale?" he asked.
"Whatever you decide to do, I won't interfere."
With that, she went back to her home where she wrote to her mother.
There is a darkness within me that threatens to swallow me whole. I miss you. I miss Prim. I miss Gale. I miss Peeta even though he's here. I thought things would be simple after the war. I forgot life's never been simple to begin with.
Peeta came back to Katniss' place that night. She kissed him fiercely, trying to stake some kind of claim on him, and Peeta followed along, allowing her hunger to consume them both. Afterwards, she fell asleep safely wrapped in his arms.
She woke up from nightmares of the Games twice, until she eventually got up for the day, exhausted from the lack of sleep.
After taking a shower and getting dressed, Katniss made herself some tea and went to sit on the steps outside, watching the sun rise from the East. The world looked its most beautiful when the quiet night gave way to the vibrant spring morning.
Out of the corner of her eye, Katniss saw a silhouette approach the village. She knew, without knowing how she knew, that Gale was on his way. She took another sip of her tea keeping her eyes on the colorful flowers growing around the village, but sooner rather than later, the gravel crunched with Gale's steps as he walked in her direction.
His eyes were red and puffy, his tear-streaked cheeks were rosy in the morning cold. He looked down at Katniss and sobbed.
"I need to see Peeta."
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"My mother's gone," Gale said. "Can you call Peeta, I… I need to talk to him."
"What do you mean gone? Gale, what happened?"
"She was sick. Some kind of tumor. It was too late when they found it; surgery did no good."
Katniss felt cold all over. "I didn't know. I'm sorry, Gale."
Gale huffed. "I accept your condolences. I should be the one apologizing though."
"Don't."
"You can't tell me what to do, Catnip."
"Gale," she warned.
"I just want to see Peeta," Gale said, exhausted.
She stood up an left her mug on the counter on her way back inside, then went up the stairs to the room she shared with Peeta to wake him up gently. Peeta startled anyway, grabbing her wrist in a reflex.
"Peeta, it's me."
Peeta eyes her suspiciously before letting her go with a soft apology. "Sorry."
"Gale's here to see you."
"What happened?"
"His mother passed away," she said.
Peeta cursed under his breath, getting out of bed quickly. Katniss watched him as he put socks on his stump, before fastening his prosthetic leg, wincing as he stood up. He walked with a slight limp for a couple of steps before adjusting to the weight properly.
He dressed as fast as he could, sitting on the bed to tie his shoes. "Where is he?"
"At the door."
Katniss followed him out of the room but Peeta was faster than her and went down the stairs almost desperately to reach him. Gale's expression softened when he saw Peeta, and Katniss felt her insides twist in jealousy.
Peeta wrapped Gale in his arms and Gale crumbled, holding on to Peeta tightly, as if he could disappear. They held each other for a long time as Gale sobbed into Peeta's shoulder and Peeta rubbed Gale's back in a comforting gesture.
Katniss felt like she was intruding in a private moment and left them alone to grieve. She went to the kitchen and put the kettle on, knowing Peeta would ask Gale to come in for some tea. She set three cups on the table and three teaspoons, then she got some cheese and bread from the fridge. Deciding that this was a solemn occasion, she put three slices of bread to toast.
She startled when Peeta made a noise as he came into the kitchen, turning around wielding her bread knife. "Don't startle me," she said, putting the knife away.
"Wouldn't dream of it," Peeta said. Katniss saw Gale standing behind Peeta, looking spent. "Did you make breakfast?"
"Sit down, the kettle is about to boil," said Katniss.
Peeta pulled Gale into the kitchen and sat him down in the chair Haymitch usually used when he visited. Gale looked at the cup in front of him and frowned.
"I need to go back. There's things to do," Gale said.
The kettle boiled and Peeta turned the stove off, then he took on the job of serving tea for everyone. Katniss, on the other hand, picked up the toasted bread and put it on the table, then she used the same bread knife from before to cut a slice of cheese that she offered to Gale.
"Eat," Katniss said.
Gale looked at the cheese, then back to her. Peeta spoke up before things became tense between them. "I'll help you with the funeral arrangements," he said. "Now, when was the last time you ate something?"
"I don't remember," Gale replied.
"Eat," Katniss repeated.
Gale took the cheese from Katniss and chewed it slowly. Peeta and Katniss sat down as well and ate in silence. After eating his toast, Gale sobbed again. Peeta reached across the table and took his hand, caressing his wrist softly.
Katniss knew then that Peeta and Gale were in love, and she needed to come to terms with it. Peeta loved someone else. He was so full of love; of course he loved widely and deeply. She loved him all the more for it.
Katniss' birthday came and went. Her mother called, and Haymitch brought her a parcel from Effie that contained goods from the Capitol. Peeta baked a cake for her and stayed the whole day at home. For some reason, this warmed her up for many days afterward.
A week later, Peeta sat down with Katniss in front of the fireplace. "I have something to tell you."
Katniss had a feeling she knew what Peeta wanted to talk about, so she nodded to encourage him.
"I'm going to see Gale today."
"Okay."
"I'm going to kiss him again probably," Peeta continued.
Katniss turned to look at him. "I didn't know you and Gale… you know."
"We haven't— Just that one time."
"Oh."
"Yeah." Peeta averted his eyes. "I just thought you should know. In case you want me to go."
"Why would I want you to go?" Katniss asked. "What you do with Gale is not… I told you I would not intervene."
Peeta looked at her skeptical. "Katniss, I don't think—"
"Spare me all the details though."
He nodded. Katniss picked up her mug and drank her herbal tea, eyes fixed on the fireplace. Peeta kissed the top of her head before leaving to Gale's place. She swore she didn't cry about it.
Summer came back with its sweltering days, and Katniss and Peeta started spending more time outdoors. The woods would never be Peeta's favorite place, but he loved the lake, so Katniss planned picnics for them, long afternoons spent with only each other for company.
Some days, Peeta disappeared with Gale, and Katniss did her best to swallow her bitter jealousy. She didn't know who she was jealous of, Gale for having Peeta's company, or Peeta for having Gale.
One afternoon, as Gale dropped Peeta off at the edge of the village, Katniss watched as Gale kissed Peeta goodbye. The ugly monster of jealousy reared its head again, pushing Katniss to lock herself in her room.
Worst of all? Peeta looked happy, giddy even, since he started seeing Gale like that.
Katniss, for her part, felt as though Peeta was disappearing, like sand slipping through one's fingers at the beach.
"Can we spend my birthday together?" Peeta asked one morning while they had breakfast.
"It didn't occur to me that you would do something else," Katniss admitted.
"I mean, can Gale come? I want to be with both of you," he said.
Katniss had actually thought of this moment for a while: the day Peeta would want to have both of them under the same roof. Her mind kept going back to the days immediately after Gale's mother passed away. They crossed paths multiple times, they even exchanged greetings at the wake. Katniss saw him a number of times as she went to visit his siblings. She was particularly worried about Posy, the youngest of the Hawthorne family, who was only 12 years old. Katniss felt guilty for abandoning Gale's family when she distanced herself from Gale, and as such she wanted to make amends with the children —all of them teenagers now. While Rory wouldn't speak to her, Posy and Vick were fascinated with Katniss' presence.
For the last three months, against all odds, Katniss and Gale had been civil to each other. She could see how Peeta would think they were ready to be in the same room for extended periods of time. Katniss wasn't so sure.
"Will you at least think about it?" he asked. "There's still a couple of weeks to go."
In the end, Katniss said, "it's your birthday. You can have whatever you want."
"Anything?" he asked, grinning.
"Within reason," Katniss amended.
Peeta smiled at her. "Let's have dinner together then."
Katniss thought it wasn't such a good idea, yet she nodded and said, "okay."
Peeta's 25th birthday arrived faster than Katniss would have wanted. When he woke up, he gave Katniss a kiss on her forehead.
"Happy birthday," she said, kissing Peeta on the lips.
They kissed for a long time, mapping each other's mouths until they were breathless. Suddenly a thought crossed Katniss' mind and she pulled away.
"Peeta?"
"Hmm?"
"Have you and Gale ever...?"
"What?" he asked.
"Have you ever slept with Gale?" The words rushed out of her mouth before she could think them through.
"We haven't... you know... I don't know if Gale wants that."
Katniss breathed in deeply. "I would if I were him."
Peeta looked at her for a long time before saying, "would you be okay with it?"
"I told you I wouldn't interfere," she said.
"That's not what I asked ."
Katniss thought it through. "I want you to have what you want, I think."
"Even if it's Gale?"
"Even then."
Peeta kissed her again and all thoughts of Gale were forgotten under Peeta's strong hands.
Around 4 pm, there was a soft knock on the door.
Katniss tensed where she was sitting on the sofa with a notebook in her lap. She had been writing down Peeta's recipes under his instructions, but stopped when Peeta got up to open the door.
She heard Gale's deep voice wishing Peeta a happy birthday and Peeta's warm welcome. She didn't look, but she knew they kissed when they didn't come into the living room immediately. Katniss left the notebook on the sofa and went to the kitchen, getting ingredients out of the fridge and onto the counter top to get started on dinner. Perhaps if dinner was a quick affair, she would stop feeling the strange tingle of being observed in her own home.
"Hello, Katniss," said Gale from the kitchen entrance, startling her.
She glanced at him briefly, her heart beating faster, her hands trembling. She noticed a box in his hands that looked like a cake. "Gale," she said.
Katniss didn't wait for a response before going back to the meat in front of her. She rubbed salt and oregano on the slab of meat before cutting it in smaller chunks. Then, she put it in a big pot with a couple of tablespoons of goose grease.
"What are we eating?" Gale asked.
Katniss turned the stove on, then put the pot on the fire before answering. "Venison stew."
"Good thing I thought of dessert then," Gale said.
Katniss didn't say anything at that, just grabbed some herbs from the windowsill and threw them in the pot before getting started on the vegetables for the stew. She heard Gale move behind her and she tensed, but a moment later, Katniss glanced behind her and saw the cake on the table but Gale had left.
She breathed in to calm herself and wondered if it would always feel like this: somewhere between longing and pain. She missed him, she could not deny that, but could Katniss ever think of him as anything but the soldier she had seen during the war?
Katniss focused on the food for a while, methodically chopping vegetables while the meat caramelized. When she was done with the carrots and potatoes, she threw them into the pot and added enough water to cover the veggies, salt and pepper and put the lid on to simmer the stew.
As she cleaned up, she heard Peeta and Gale speaking in the living room.
"Are you sure this is okay?" Gale asked.
"Time will tell, I guess," Peeta said.
Katniss put the last of the trash away and walked to the living room. She found Gale and Peeta sitting on the sofa, legs pressed together. As Gale grabbed Peeta's hand, her stomach did a flip.
"Maybe I should go," said Gale when he noticed her watching them.
"Dinner first," Katniss said, holding his gaze.
"It's not—"
"It's Peeta's birthday. It's not about me," she interrupted Gale. "Can you put things aside for one dinner?" Gale nodded. "Good."
Tense silence settled on the room as Peeta glanced between them. Katniss went to the loveseat and sat down awkwardly, trying to make herself smaller.
When the silence became too much, Gale spoke up, "what do you do around here to pass the time?"
Peeta started talking about his paintings and asked Gale if he wanted to see them. Gale got up excitedly, and Katniss belatedly realized that he had not been here for years and as such, he had probably never seen some of Peeta's most treasured paintings.
Peeta guided Gale to the study where he usually painted, and Katniss heard Gale's surprised woah. Unable to resist her curiosity, Katniss followed them.
The study was a mess of canvases, paints, brushes, and hundreds of drawings scattered all over the place. At the moment, there was an unfinished painting of the old town square on the easel that Peeta had paused when he realized he couldn't remember every detail as he once did.
Gale looked at the painting for a while, then turned to look at one of Peeta's finished paintings on the wall. Buttercup in his final years, sleeping on a patch of light near the window.
"That's one of the first paintings I actually finished after the war," Peeta said.
"I don't know anything about art," said Gale, "but this is beautiful, Peeta."
"Well, Buttercup was an easy subject," Peeta replied. "All he did was sleep."
"And eat the mice at Haymitch's house," Katniss added from the door.
Both men turned to look at her for a moment. Peeta smiled, but Gale averted his eyes to one of the drawings on the polished wooden desk. He held up a sheet of paper and Katniss saw Gale's likeness on it.
"You've drawn me?" Gale asked.
Peeta's eyes went back to him. "I like to draw the people I care about."
They shared a private smile that Katniss only felt marginally jealous of.
"I don't really look like that," Gale said.
"What, handsome?" Peeta asked. When Gale didn't say anything, he added, "well, you are to me."
Katniss privately thought that Gale must have known exactly what he looked like. Still, he reached out to lovingly touch Peeta's cheek, before leaning to kiss him on the lips.
As they kissed, Katniss felt something that resembled butterflies flapping their wings to take flight. She left them be, briefly touching her own lips for the ghost of Gale's kisses from the past.
He's still so handsome. I watch him and Peeta and I think they make for an interesting pair. When I hear Gale's voice, I can't help but feel the remnants of the safety he used to instill in me. Am I crazy? I think I'd feel better if I could explain these feeling away as madness.
Uncertainty about Peeta's future in my life keeps me awake at night, but I know he'd never leave me out of his own volition. Not unless I asked.
I don't want him to leave. I want to be by Peeta's side until the earth stops turning.
I don't want Gale to go either. I want him to continue bringing happiness to Peeta's life, to make him laugh like Peeta hasn't lived the life he has. Secretly, I also want Gale to feel that way for me again—
Katniss ripped the page where she was writing and tore the paper into tiny little pieces. After throwing them in the trash, she started over.
Dearest Mother…
The end of August, over a month after Peeta's birthday, found Katniss, Peeta, and Gale together at the lake.
Peeta's birthday marked a before and after in their interactions. Gale came looking for Peeta more often, but he never asked Katniss to hang out with them if she didn't want to. Nevertheless, Katniss felt his lingering gaze on her skin at all times.
The night before, Peeta had asked her if she would be okay with spending the day at the lake with them. Katniss accepted because a not insignificant part of her wanted to see them together, to confirm that what she saw at Peeta's birthday was the norm and not Gale putting on a show for her.
The more Katniss observed them, however, the more she realized there was no subterfuge, no act. Gale earnestly doted on Peeta and Peeta returned those feelings with the same, if not more, devotion.
Gale was sitting under the shade of a tall tree while Peeta sat next to him sketching. Katniss, for her part, was sunbathing a few steps from them, wearing short shorts and a thin cotton t-shirt that were stuck to her body from her dip in the lake.
"You should lie on the shade," Peeta said.
"My clothes are wet," she said, unsure why she needed to state the obvious.
"No one asked you to jump into the lake," Peeta replied.
"Well, I wanted to," Katniss pushed. She closed her eyes as she turned her face towards the sun, its warmth penetrating deep into her bones. "You should try it sometime."
"Yeah, right," Peeta said. "I'm not particularly fond of big bodies of water, you know?"
"How come Katniss hasn't taught you to swim?" Gale asked, curious.
"I'm not even sure if I can do that with the prosthetic," Peeta said.
"Then do without," Gale pushed. "Don't let them take this from you too."
When Peeta didn't reply immediately, Katniss turned her face in their direction and saw them kissing, almost desperately. She saw Peeta's hands disappear under the hem of Gale's shirt and her body warmed with desire.
They came apart panting, looking into each other's eyes with an intensity that spoke of the same hunger waking up inside of Katniss.
"Maybe we should head back," she said, interrupting them. Both men turned to look at her, surprised. "There are comfortable beds back at home."
Peeta blushed and looked away, but Gale locked eyes with her. Something like understanding seemed to dawn on him and he nodded.
On the walk home, Gale and Katniss' hands brushed against each other and a jolt of electricity coursed through her. Still, she left them alone when they got back to the Victors' Village, and they disappeared inside Peeta's house only to be seen again at night, when Peeta found her in their shared bed.
"Did you have fun?" she asked.
"Yeah, I did," Peeta said. "Can we do a repeat of the lake some other time?"
"Sure," she agreed, wrapping her arms around Peeta before falling asleep.
"Did you love Annie right away, Finnick?" her voice sounded hollow, a strange echo of itself.
"No… She crept up on me," he said, a smile softly touching his face.
The dream dissolved around her before Katniss could ask Finnick what she was supposed to do with those feelings.
By the time autumn rolled around, Katniss was used to Gale's presence lingering in their home. Sometimes Peeta came home wearing one of his jackets and, instead of retuning it, the clothes would stay on their couch for weeks, a stark reminder of Gale and Peeta's relationship.
One day, as she cleaned the living room, she moved the loveseat and found a white envelope with Catnip written on the side. She shook the dust off the envelope and teared the side to open it.
Catnip
God, it's been so long since I could call you that. I have no right, I know that. I know exactly why. I know why you can't ever forgive me because it's the same reason I will never forgive myself. I lost sight of the most important thing, and it cost me everything. Did you know that Rory won't talk to me? My mother receives the money I send for the family, but won't agree to see me. Vick and Posy don't write anymore. I wouldn't want to see me either. For the longest time, I thought that at least if I stayed in the military long enough, something would kill me and be done with it. I figured out it was not that easy. I'm never going to make up for the lives lost in the war if I die. I've been talking to Peeta, really talking to Peeta, for a while now, but he won't tell me anything about you. He's loyal like that. It took almost a year to convince him to slip this into your mail to get a chance to tell you this and I can't find the damn words so I'm just gonna say it.
I'm sorry.
And I know it's not enough because I will never forgive myself or anyone who had anything to do with it. I'm sorry I lost sight of what was important. I wish I could go back. I'd give up everything for a chance to be back in the woods with you, so you could go home to your family. And if they call Prim's name and you volunteered, I'd volunteer and die for you too.
Ironically, I've realized that no one's asking me to die for them, so all I have left is to live.
I have to live with it.
I see her in the first blooms of spring, I hear her in the mockingjay song. It hurts like nothing's ever hurt before. I miss her every single day. She was everything and she's gone. Katniss, I
The letter ended there with a smudge of ink. Her hands trembled and she folded the letter into a small square that she shoved into her pocket. She threw the envelope into the trash and went to her room, where she locked herself with the letter, reading it over and over again until her tears smudged the ink in several places.
The next time Katniss saw Gale around the village, she found herself saying, "Prim would have forgiven you, you know?"
"Perhaps not," Gale said.
"She was too good," Katniss said. "She quickly forgave our mother for giving up after Dad died."
"She was also incredibly loyal," Gale said. "You should've seen her defending you to the whole of District 13. If I had— she would not have forgiven me."
"Perhaps not," she agreed with a soft smile.
"Katniss, I—"
"I know," she interrupted.
"I need to say it," Gale begged, almost.
"You already did." Katniss looked up and saw him frown. "I read your letter, Gale."
Gale's eyes opened in surprise.
"I don't know how we are expected to move forward without them, but I'm convinced that as long as we remember them, they won't ever be truly gone."
He swallowed and nodded, lowering his head to try to hide the tears in his eyes. Katniss walked past him to leave, but she stopped next to Gale. She wrapped her arms around him and held him for a moment. He leaned his head on top of her as he shook, sobbing. Katniss found herself crying a moment later.
They cried holding each other until they didn't have any more tears to cry.
When Katniss' sobs subsided, she found herself looking at Gale's tear-streaked face up close for the first time in seven years. His handsome features were distorted by pain and Katniss had a flashback to an afternoon back then, when Gale recounted the bombing of District 12 and Katniss kissed him.
"I knew you'd do that?" Gale had said.
"How? I didn't," she replied.
"Because I'm in pain," said Gale before leaving.
Katniss put a hand on his cheek, trailing a soft caress down the side of his face. She came closer to Gale, a breath away from his lips.
"Katniss, stop," Gale said, his breath ghosting across her lips.
"Why?" she asked.
"It's a dangerous game," he whispered.
"I've played worse." With that, she kissed him, swallowing any further protests.
Gale awakened a fire in her that she thought was long lost, yet at the same time, it was something new, unique, a new kind of spark that threatened to consume her whole.
They kissed for a long time, until Katniss felt breathless, undone. When they pulled apart, Gale was holding Katniss' face with both hands, as if she was something precious.
"We need to find Peeta," she said.
Gale huffed a laugh. "Yeah, we should."
A soft breeze blew threw the open window of their bedroom; Katniss got up to close it, but Peeta grabbed her hand before she could make it far.
"Leave it open," Peeta asked.
"It's cold," she said.
"Gale doesn't complain about it," Peeta tried, but Katniss only quirked an eyebrow at him.
"Gale is not sleeping on the side of the bed next to the open window," she rebutted.
"Change places then." Peeta smiled at her and Katniss rolled her eyes, then climbed on the bed and crawled on top of both men to get to the spot farthest away from the window. Gale complained minimally at being stepped on, and Katniss paid him no mind.
After she was settled in bed, Gale said, "I don't like sleeping in the middle."
"Change places then," Katniss said.
Peeta laughed when Gale actually stood up to change places with Peeta who let himself be squeezed in the middle of them. Katniss loved him all the more for it.
It was the first of many nights sleeping together in Peeta's bed.