I carry you in my pocket
Originally posted on 2022-05-10 on AO3
If there’s one thing Eddie misses about El Paso, it’s the night sky.
Sure, he misses his Abuela, his sisters, his parents, but he really, really misses the night sky. El Paso is still a city but it’s definitely not Los Angeles where the light pollution is so bad, he’s lucky to see any stars in the city proper.
Now, sitting down the steps leading to his backyard where the evidence of his father’s retirement party is still scattered, he knows that no matter how much he misses the night sky, he’s not moving back to Texas any time soon. The idea of leaving LA makes his chest tighter in a way it hasn’t felt in months and he unconsciously reaches into his pocket to text Buck about it.
my dad had a heart attack
just a headsup, hen and chim were attacked. they're okay now but it'll be on the news
The text arrives the moment Eddie presses send. It's not the first time it's happened, that they've reached out simultaneously but it still makes Eddie's heart jump in his throat, the same feeling he had when he was out in the field, following Buck into a rescue. He's not finished typing his reply when three texts appear in quick succession.
is he okay?
are you okay?
how's Christopher?
Funny how that only makes his heart beat faster.
it was 3 years ago, he’s fine now
Chris is sleeping
what happened to Chim and Hen?
The text bubble lingers for a long time before Buck’s next messages arrive.
It was this whole thing with Jonah
Really. It will be on the news
It’s already on the news
Eddie might not be psychic but he knows what that means without having to ask. Instead of replying, he calls, a ball of worry pressing inside his ribcage. Buck answers after the first ring.
“What do you mean it’s already on the news? How did Taylor find out?”
There’s a heavy sigh at the other side of the line. Eddie knows, without knowing how he knows, that Buck is sitting with a slump to his shoulders that he’s only seen before when his parents were involved. “Hen asked her for some footage of the dispatch fire. She told us she suspected foul play in Claudette’s death and- I don’t know, what the hell is going on, Eds. Taylor said off the record, she said she wouldn’t run the story and now she’s not picking up her phone.”
It feels idiotic, to be angry at Taylor when his friends —his family— almost died, but Eddie recognizes that sometimes feelings just have to be felt, no matter how idiotic they are.
Because he’s a good friend who doesn’t pit his friends against their significant others no matter how angry he is, Eddie lets the comment about Taylor go. “How are they?”
“Athena called, said they’re keeping them in observation overnight, but Maddie is on her way now. I’ll know more when she texts me.”
“Thought you would’ve gone with her.” Buck is always at the hospital when something happens to the 118, it was a challenge to get him to go home when Cap was in the hospital after the dispatch fire.
“I would have, but someone needs to watch Jee. We’re having our own slumber party now.”
The warmth in Buck’s voice softens something in his chest. Buck’s great with kids: attentive, patient, loving. Whenever he’s with Chris, Buck brings an energy that lights up the entire room and it lingers long after he’s gone.
“You didn’t answer earlier,” Buck says when Eddie hasn’t replied for a moment. Thinly veiled concern laces his words when he adds, “are you okay?”
Isn’t that a good question?
The truth is, Eddie thinks he is.
Now that the party is over, his father is resting, and they talked, really talked for the first time ever, Eddie feels overwhelming relief. A weight he knows he’s been carrying his whole life finally lifted off his chest. Eddie knows it is far from over, there is still a lot to work out between them and they’ll probably be at each other’s throats sooner rather than later while they navigate this new territory, but for once in his life, there’s more than resentment building in his chest.
There’s hope.
“My dad and I talked today. Frank would be proud of me.”
Buck doesn’t miss a beat. “I’m proud of you. Chris too, you know?”
That feels like a kick directly to the place in Eddie’s chest that warms whenever he watches Chris and Buck playing. He doesn’t know what to reply, so he changes the subject. “Tell me what happened with Jonah.”
And Buck, in his infinite understanding of Eddie-speak, takes his cue and tells him about it.
Listening to Buck speak calms him, the cadence in his voice as familiar as his Abuela’s tamales, his long-winded explanations of things he must have learned after Hen and Chim raised their concerns about Jonah bringing a smile to his face. He talks around Taylor, barely mentioning her involvement in passing and always with a strain to his tone. It makes Eddie wonder if there’s something else between them that Buck hasn’t mentioned yet, but Eddie doesn’t ask, sure that Buck will tell him when he’s ready to.
Eddie hears a sleepy cooing sound and he is reminded of Buck watching Jee. The idea of Buck holding a baby makes something curl inside of him greedily, but that’s something to unpack later.
“Is Jee still awake?” he asks when Buck finishes his story with Maddie’s departure to the hospital.
“Yeah. Not for long, probably.”
It feels like a timer has been put on their call. Eddie doesn’t want the call to end yet, he could talk to Buck all night. “I should leave you to it, then.”
“Nah. I mean, it’s good practice, right? I will have a kid someday, I gotta learn to do things around them.”
His shoulders tense at that. You have Chris, Eddie thinks. Out loud, he asks, “does Taylor want a baby?”
The silence that follows tells him how stupid that question was.
“She doesn’t like kids.”
Eddie relaxes at the implication that Taylor is not in the picture of Buck’s future family, but the feeling doesn’t last long when he thinks of Buck’s imaginary future wife.
The sound of a door opening and closing tells Eddie he’s no longer alone. When Sophia sits next to him and lights up a cigarette, he knows the night’s peace is gone. His sister heaves a long-suffering sigh and Eddie knows his mother said something. “I gotta go. We’ll talk later, okay?”
“Yeah, I’ll put Jee to bed in the meantime.”
“She’s out?” Eddie doesn’t want to hang up yet, just a moment longer with Buck’s voice in his ear to ease the tension Sophia brought outside. He wants Buck’s comforting presence to linger for a while.
“Like a light.” Eddie wonders if Buck’s watching over her crib with that adoring smile he gets around Chris. A moment passes in silence before he continues. “Good night, Eddie. Tell Chris I’ll call him tomorrow.”
“I will. Good night.”
There’s a second of static over the line before Buck finally hangs up.
Eddie glances up the sky wondering if Buck wanted to say something else before hanging up. Eddie wanted to. He’s not sure what exactly, but it feels like something was missing.
“You didn’t have to do that. Don’t let your little sister cramp your style.” She takes a long drag of her cigarette and offers it to Eddie.
He waves it away as he says, “you shouldn’t smoke.”
Sophia rolls her eyes at him and takes another drag. “Mom has the smoking covered, you can pick something else like my career change or my love life. Abuela took cooking though. I hear you’ve been getting good at that?”
His phone pings with a new message notification. Then another one, then another one. Eddie pulls up Buck’s messages without thinking twice about it.
Maddie says they’re fine
bitchy about having to stay the night, but fine
Jee likes taylor swift apparently
He’s typing a reply when a picture pops up. Buck, soft eyes and matching smile on his face, holding a sleeping Jee-Yun on his chest, unbothered by the drool pooling on his black shirt. Eddie’s heart skips a beat, the corners of his mouth curling in a smile.
Looking at Buck holding Jee, a warm, possessive feeling curling inside his stomach, he suddenly understands why it’s called baby fever. The longing in Eddie’s chest is a wildfire: all-consuming, unforgiving.
“Ana doin’ okay?” Sophia asks, bringing him back to his parents’ backyard.
Ana?
Right.
Eddie knew he was forgetting to mention something about the state of his life in LA.
Wait. Why Ana?
“Ana and I broke up months ago,” he blurts out.
Sophia frowns, taking another drag of her cigarette. “I’m guessing this new girl you’re texting was a part of it?”
“Buck was just updating me about our friends. Hen and Chim? I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned them.”
“Right.” His sister leans back, waving her cigarette in a dismissive gesture. “Because that’s just a face we make when talking to our friends, obviously.”
Eddie turns his screen towards Sophia to show her the picture Buck sent. “That’s his niece, Jee-Yun. She’s one year old. Chim is her dad and Maddie, his sister, went to the hospital to see him.”
Sophia squints at the screen and Eddie distractedly thinks she must’ve taken her contacts out already. Her frown deepens for a moment as her eyes go from the screen to Eddie’s face a number of times, then understanding dawns on her face.
“I see. You could’ve told me and Adri at least. We’re not gonna out you to mom and dad.”
Out him?
Something must show in his face because Sophia quickly adds, “unless—”
“Unless what?”
“You’re not dating Buck?”
It’s stupid, really, in retrospective. Eddie feels like he should have known before, that he should have noticed by now that the feeling that warms him through when Buck’s around is not the way he feels when Linda is around. Linda is his friend, but Eddie doesn’t feel the room light up the second his eyes meet hers.
The unnamed feelings he was pushing aside to unpack later threaten to spill down his throat, but Eddie swallows them down, knowing he needs to take this thing apart by himself before telling anyone else.
“What gave you that idea?” he shoots back instead.
“Nothing.”
It’s a quick answer, too nonchalant to be true.
“We’re not—”
“It’s fine, Eddie. Really. Whatever it is, you’ll tell us soon enough.”
A jolt of guilt goes through him at that. Eddie has never been good at opening up to his family, but he tries just this once. “It’s complicated. He has a girlfriend.”
The pitying look his little sister gives him almost makes him regret it, but she shakes it off almost immediately. Decisively, Sophia takes a last drag of her cigarette, stubs the butt on her heel and leans her head on his shoulder.
“Why is this family like living inside one of Abuela’s cheesy telenovelas?”
At least, if this were a telenovela, there’d be a happy ending on the other side. As things stand now, the wedding in the final episode will not be his. Eddie can’t voice that thought without letting on he still watches them, so instead he says, “I wouldn’t know. Haven’t watched one in years.”
Sophia’s shoulders relax as laughs. She sits up and teases, “Whatever you say, Eddie. Now get this: mom thinks ditching med school to become a teacher is a bad idea. Who knew? It’s not like she’s been saying it repeatedly over the past year or anything.”
He shakes his head listening to her recount the scene, letting the sound of her voice quiet the thoughts of Buck swirling inside his head.
Eddie’s got a lot of unpacking to do once he’s back in LA.