if I had to pick a dude (I would not choose Messi)
Originally posted on 2025-09-15 on AO3
Damián comes out of Caro's room barefoot and pads to the kitchen to look for something to drink. In his way there, he hears Lautaro playing in the music room and smiles to himself.
Once in the kitchen, he fills a glass of water and drinks it without breathing. Caro has a way of exhausting him beyond what he's used to. Damián guesses that's another advantage of a polycule: he doesn't need to keep up with Caro all of the time. She has Gonzalo and Pato to please her when he needs a break. Who would've thought?
"Come on, Montiel. No seás pecho frío, boludo," Gonzalo says from the other room.
Damián frowns. He doesn't remember a match scheduled for today. Setting the glass on the counter, he walks to the living room and sees Gonzalo watching a match on the TV as he eats cheese and olives from jar.
"Who's playing?" Damián asks.
"Good morning, Damo!" Gonzalo greets. "Did you have fun last night?"
"Yeah, yeah," he nods at the TV, still mildly uncomfortable discussing his sex life with the guy who sleeps with his girlfriend too. "The match?"
"Argentina vs Mexico, 2022 World Cup," he says. "Messi was golden that day."
Damián sits down in the loveseat, stealing a piece of cheese from the wooden board. "Messi missed a free kick that was a certain goal."
"Not everything is measured in scores, Damo," Gonzalo grins at that. "But if you want to do that, he scored later anyway."
"He scored the most boring goal of the entire championship! Come on!"
"Are you guys seriously watching an old match right now?" Pato interrupts as she comes into the living room in her pajamas. She is drinking tea in one of her giant mugs. "It's 10 in the morning."
"It's never too early to watch a masterpiece," says Gonzalo.
"That match wasn't even that good," she says, sitting on the arm of Damian's loveseat.
Damián tries not to squirm when her leg presses against his arm. Pato is a beautiful woman and Damián can't help feeling attracted to her. The fact that she's Caro's girlfriend only adds fuel to the fire, even if he knows that the only way something can happen between them is with Caro in the mix.
"Are you saying that because Mexico lost?" Damián asks.
"I'm saying that because this match sucked," Pato says. She points at the player currently on the ground exaggerating a foul. "See, that's why. These guys spent most of the match faking fouls. Show me a match where the Argentinian players don't cry over an elbow to the face and I'll be impressed."
"It's an elbow to the face, Pato!" Gonzalo says.
"Yeah, Pato, who can play after taking an elbow to the face?" Damián agrees.
"Women," she says, before taking a sip of her tea.
Damián and Gonzalo both grumble at that. What can Damián say without sounding like a misogynist pig? He exchanges a look with Gonzalo and knows the man is thinking the same thing.
They watch the match in silence for a while. By the time Argentina scores the second goal, Pato has finished her tea and says, "that was a good goal."
Gonzalo agrees. "It wasn't a bad one."
"Better than Messi's," agrees Damián.
"Come on, let's not pass judgment so quickly," says Gonzalo.
"Gonza, admit it. Messi's just a guy who happens to score sometimes," she says.
Damián finds himself saying, "come on, Pato. What do you mean he's just a guy? He's the best in the whole world."
Pato turns to look at him, serious. "Don't tell me you also have a crush on Messi, Damián."
He shakes his head as he says, "no, no, what do you mean crush, Pato? I just think the guy's a good player."
"He's your 'if I had to pick a dude'. What's the big deal?" Pato asks with a grin.
Damián turns to Gonzalo for help. "Tell her it's not like that, Gonza."
Gonzalo leans back on the sofa. "Oh, I can admit I have a crush on him. It's not a big deal."
"But I don't!" Damián insists.
"If you say so," Gonzalo says, holding his hands in a placating gesture. "Who's your 'if I had to pick a dude' anyway?"
"I don't have one," Damián says.
"Come on, there's gotta be someone," says Pato. "A singer, an actor, a politician…"
"Not everyone wants to fuck their president, Pato," Gonzalo says.
"What? Sheinbaum is a MILF!"
Damián tunes out their discussion for a minute. Who would he choose if he had to pick a man? Faces blur in his mind as he tries to think of someone. Out of the blue, he says "Tom Hardy."
"Huh?" Gonzalo asks.
"If I had to pick a dude, I'd pick Tom Hardy in Venom 2," he says.
"That's specific," Pato says with a grin.
"You want to fuck a president," Damián deadpans.
"You gotta aim high, don't you think?" Pato says before walking out of the room. "I'm telling everyone you want to fuck Venom."
"Hey, I said Tom Hardy, I didn't say anything about the tentacle alien," Damián says, but it's too late, Pato is already yelling guys, Damián wants to fuck Venom.
He hears commotion somewhere upstairs and shakes his head. He should've said no, I've never thought of fucking a dude and he'd be done with it.
Gonzalo turns the TV off and turns to Damián. "So, tentacles, huh? You know, there's some decent tentacle porn online if you know what to look for."
"I don't want to fuck the tentacle alien."
"I'm just saying, it never hurts to explore," he stands up taking his now empty cheese board with him. "And in case you're wondering, tentacle dildos are not even that expensive."
With that, he walks out of the room. Damián wonders how he can be the target of the tentacle-fucker jokes when Gonzalo just admitted to owning a tentacle-shaped dildo. He shakes his head and goes to find Caro. At least, she'll find it funny.